homesick

Maybe it's because of the visit to the firehouse yesterday that I am suddenly, overwhelmingly wanting to go back to work. I miss the job, the camraderie, the excitement. I miss feeling valued in a different way than what it means to being a housewife and a full time mom right now. I want to take someone's blood pressure, and check the gauges on the firetruck. I want to put on my uniform and my bunker gear and roll hoses. Paperwork and building inspections would thrill me right now.

I am just so bored with the monotony of motherhood. The cooking, the cleaning, the constant toys underfoot, the clutter, the just-one-more bedtime story, having to split my time between both children thus not being able to give either 100% attention... I understand that parenting is selfless but today I resent my needs coming last. I have been on my feet nonstop since six a.m. It gets to me sometimes. Not all the time. Not even most of the time. But on the weekends when I am by myself with both of the kids I have had enough by Sunday night. Jacob is STILL awake and whining for me to go to bed with him.

I've barely begun figuring out the childcare situation for Maiya for when I do go back to work. I don't know if I can bear being away from my baby girl for over 24 hours while she's still so young and still nursing. Maiya and I cosleep... it will be hard not to have downy head beside mine and seeing that big smile on her face when she wakes up. I am not due back to work for at least another six months but I may head back earlier for my own sense of self worth and sanity.

But after a good night's sleep tonight I am sure I will be feeling better in the morning. Like I said, weekends for me are tough. In the meantime, I am going to find some great gourmet cheese to go with my stellar whine.