potty mouth

The closer I get to starting back at work, the worse my language gets....

It seems that my potty mouth has returned.
I've started swearing like a drunken sailor.

Perhaps it's because I am headed back to work soon and I'm morphing back into that firefighter mode. It's not that the boys at the fire station swear a lot. In fact, I think I am the one who swears the most. Not classy, and definitely not ladylike but hell, saying the F word is just so damn satisfying. Especially after all this time singing lullabies and nursery rhymes and basically minding my p's and q's while singing abc's, swearing just feeeeels good. When you're up to your armpits in laundry and dishes and in bed by 10pm and up at 6, I get my kicks where I can.

I just have to watch myself swearing around the children... especially around Jacob. I don't need him coming home from daycare with a note from his teacher that he was cussin'. I couldn't really wash his mouth out with soap without me gargling along with him. ;)

another milestone

Jacob came home from daycare all breathless from excitement. He worked hard all day with his friends to make the perfect birthday card for his baby sister. And of course he wanted cake. So even though it was close to bedtime we figured... why not? A nice sponge cake never hurt anyone and since we didn't put icing on it we didn't have to worry too, too much about sugar spins.

The birthday girl:


Cake is going...


...going


...going...


Gone!

Maiya had more fun feeding Jacob which was fine by him... lol

Happy Birthday my little one!

when I grow up.

As a parent, I sometimes wonder what my children will want to be when they grow up. It never dawned on me to become a firefighter until I was 30 years old and had many jobs and several careers that led me to where I am today. Youth is a perfect time to explore....

Will Jacob be a construction worker?


Or a team mascot?


Perhaps a car jockey?


Or a cross dressing ladder operator?


Who knows? I don't care what he wants to do as long as he is deep down happy and isn't living in my basement when he's 35.

Maiya is 2 years younger than her big brother thus has had less time to explore career options. One thing I do know for sure though....

She is a ham.


And she already has the requisite skills to become a great plumber.

Remembrance Day

Even though they are too young to understand, I tell my children that they have won the birth lottery... for they live in a country where they can speak any language and follow any religion without persecution. They have a health care system that won't turn them away at the hospital door. They can go to school. They can grow up to be anything they want to be. They have food. They have clean water. And most of all, they are not growing up in a country at war. Granted, we have soldiers in Afghanistan but so far, I am able to shelter them from that.

I was listening on the radio to the Remembrance Day ceremonies and there was a lump in my throat. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have a loved one at war, or worse, to have lost a loved one. I am far away from war. And my experience is limited to what I read and if I search, I may hear a story from a veteran and from someone who lived through it. Jacob's great-grandfather (my husband's grand dad) fought in World War I. He is still alive to this day at the age of 95 to recount events during a time before internet and ipods. My paternal grandmother lost 4 of her children during the Second World War because there was no medication available to treat them. They died from illnesses that easily would have been cured today. My maternal grandmother sewed the family jewels inside the stuffing of my mother's dolly. I have one of her rings that I will be giving to my Maiya dolly one day.

So today, I give thanks to those who have fought, and to those who are still fighting in wars they did not start. I give thanks that my children can sleep peacefully at night. Every year I buy a poppy and proudly wear it. But this year I was given an extra special poppy from Jacob. It is a little construction paper poppy with its centre askew and a teeny heart sticker and sprinkled with glitter and glued to a pin. This is one of those things that I will keep forever because this little poppy is my symbol of hope.... that my son and daughter grow without fear in a world of peace.

To all the soldiers of the past, present, and future, thank you and God Bless.

Zena

Looks like Princess Warrior Maiya is staking her territory. Baby or not, she knows what she wants. She is fearless. And she has a grip. Wrestling something she shouldn't have out of her hands is like wrestling with an alligator. And oh you should see the crocodile tears that roll down her face when she doesn't get her way. And when she does get her way she grins like the cat that ate the canary. She's a good actress. She will squawk like a teradactyl to let you know that what she has is hers.... she has made her big brother scurry away in fear once or twice. He's a smart boy. He knows already that when girls are moody it is best to just walk away or go hide in the man cave with Daddy. ;)

That's my girl..... xo

uh oh

We've all had bad days at work. I've had my share but whoever was driving on this particular day, well, he'll have a bit of explaining to do. Yikes.

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roaring fire

A friend of mine recently witnessed a housefire. She said it was an incredible thing to watch but what she described as most striking was not the visual of the flames but the sound. She said the fire sounded like a roar. It was an interesting observation since although I have heard of the term 'roaring fire' I have never really listened to the sound of the fire at the call. Instead, I hear the blood rushing through my ears, I hear my heartbeat pound in my head. I hear myself trying to slow my breathing through the regulator.. which to me sounds a bit like Darth Vader. I hear the sirens. But most importantly, I listen for any voice commands from my Captain and my crew mates. They are my eyes and ears to help keep me safe. I also listen for anything that is transmitted over the radio channels giving us further instruction. I will listen more carefully for the sound of the fire next time. And if it roars, I'll just roar right back. ;)

never in a million years

I swung by work this morning on a whim since I needed to pick up some gear and my shift was on anyway. I just about peed myself when I walked in. The boys were in the throes of downward dog and pigeon poses. Yup. They were doing YOGA. Not typically what you'd expect firemen to be doing at the station. Normally you'd see them pumping major weights but nope... they were doing that stretchy stretchy stuff. And they weren't the least bit embarrassed. If I stop to think about it... it really is the perfect thing to do. It strengthens core muscles and keeps injuries at bay. Yoga I guess isn't for sissies.... heck... if it's good enough for Sting then it's good enough for my firemen. Not sure if I'll be jumping in though. I'd feel a bit weird trying to get myself into those pretzel positions in front of the guys.

Never in a million years would I have guessed that there would be yoga at a fire station.

oh my how times have changed.

pics... finally!

I finally found a second to upload pictures of Halloween.... Jacob wanted to be Bob the Builder which was nice and easy for a costume. Maiya refused to wear anything that remotely resembled a costume and was just happy to play with the pumpkin. I don't know who had more fun that night... me or Jacob. At first he would stand at the doors stiff as a board waiting for the treats to drop in his bag but after a few houses he was a pro running up the steps and standing proudly with his treat bag wide open. We only did one street that was wonderfully decorated and I wanted to stay out longer but my husband had to drag me home otherwise I would have kept Jacob out another hour for sure. It's just something about the crisp fall air and trudging through the dry leaves with my son that made it so much fun. The best part was that Jacob didn't care about the candy. I said he could have 'just one' that night and he chose a little lollipop and was happy as can be. Shame we have to wait an entire year to do it again.

inspiration

I was watching my children play today and I wish I could recapture the time when I was that brave. Jacob flies through the air with the rush of pleasure three year old boys get from discovering the world around them. He is fearless and his only boundaries are my 'no's' and 'please be carefuls'. He'll wipe out smack dab on his bum or end up sprawled across the floor like a rag doll only to pick himself up and dust himself off and resume full speed ahead. Perhaps it is just his little boy nature that he doesn't feel pain or perhaps it is because we have never overly coddled bumps and bruises. I believe that if we always try to stop our children from falling, they will never learn how to get up on their own. Speaking of which,
Maiya is taking her first unassisted steps! She will take three dainty, beautiful, perfect ballerina steps before toppling over. She'll laugh then attempt three more steps. When she gets tired she crawls. Maiya and Jacob live more in the moment than I have in the past ten years. They do not think about tomorrow, or yesterday, or what ifs, or have to's. They are my reminder that life is now... that it is a steady, patient, natural progression of crawling to walking to running to flying through this world of unlimited possibilities. We just need to trust in ourselves and let nature take its course. xo

been awhile

Ack! I cannot believe an entire week has gone by without me posting... Needless to say, it's been busy, busy, busy. Halloween was a blast... pics will come. Taking the entire H1N1 hysteria with a grain of salt. New bunker gear ordered and fitted... pics to come as well. Paperwork completed for my official return to work which is November 12 although my first tour doesn't happen until New Year's Eve. Still working out like a fiend which is my refuge and my fun. Am pushing more weight than ever before in my life. And best of all, finally catching up on some sleep. Which means no time at night to blog or do anything creative since I'm in bed by 9pm. I struggle with having a life or being well rested but these days rest trumps fun. My brain just functions better this way. And a rested mommy is a happy mommy. ;)

my babies

With my daughter quickly approaching her first birthday, I reflect on what an incredible year it has been since her birth. There's a part of me that still mourns the displacement of my first baby... meaning Jacob. He is, and always will remain, the most significant little man in my life. I know it was hard initially when his little sister came along since all of a sudden he was the big brother and he was barely two years old at the time. But they are thick as thieves now, and best of friends. He dotes on her and it is beautiful to watch. See him brushing her hair?

Maiya continues to be the ever-smiling dolly and having a daughter makes me feel this joy that I cannot describe. I am amazed at how my children are thriving... the world to them is a place of wonderment and exploration. I should learn to look at the world through my children's eyes and take life a lot less seriously. They are their own little beings that are as perfect as the morning sun. Even with my mistakes they are gentle, and forgiving in my mommy meltdowns. And like my husband, my children are incredibly patient with me. And through them, I am healing my tumultuous past. They love me simply because I am their mother and they love me even in those moments when I don't love myself. I cannot take credit for how delicious they are because I am simply following their lead and merely guiding them in a way that I hope one day makes them proud that I am their mama. Because I am beyond proud of them. And perhaps I am getting soft as I get older or maybe I am just feeling sensitive becauase I am tired and sleep deprived but writing this post brings a tear to my eye. I have said it before and I will say it again, I am on lucky lady and I have no idea what I've done to deserve this. xo

loving the dark

Hallelujah!

I must say I am LOVING life as the days get shorter. Autumn has always been my favourite time of year... no bugs, no hayfever, no sticky, hot, humid grumpy days... just cool and crisp and fresh and crunchy with all the fallen leaves. But what I love most about fall is that with night falling sooner my children are in bed EARLY. Maiya now begs for sleep by 7pm and Jacob follows at 8. During the summer they would be up till 9 and 10pm respectively. Now I can actually have some me time. (insert happy dance here) xo

the bucket list

There's a movie out there called The Bucket List. It's about doing things you've always dreamed of before you kick it. Here are some of mine that I"ve accomplished or have yet to accomplish.

-become a firefighter.... check
-kiss Mark Wahlberg.... check (don't worry... this was pre-husband...although I wouldn't say no given the change again... lol..)
-have natural homebirths.... check (although there were moments narcotics might have been nice)
=have children... check (although there are days I wish they would go live at grandma and grandpa's)
-live in a loft.... check
-work in Europe, Africa, Asia..... check
-have some property for my children to roam.... working on it
-travel extensively within my own country.... the places that I really want to see are Nunavut, the Northwest Territories, PEI, the Rockies/Lake Louise...
-see the Northern Lights... I can't believe with all the camping I've done I still have yet to see them.
-work in an orphanage in my retirement

That's a good list for now..... there are always other things I would love to do but working on the above will keep me busy for awhile. All are attainable I think. Oh yeah... there's one more thing I would love... and perhaps not so attainable right now....... I would LOVE to get 8 straight hours of sleep. There are days I wonder if I will ever get a full night's rest before I kick it. One can hope though....

country bumpkin

I know without a doubt I could solve the world's energy crisis if I could just figure out how to harness Jacob's energy. He is a Wiggle Bum. He does not sit still and is constantly moving through space like a superhero that never tires. I have never known my son to walk. He runs at breakneck speed or at the very least skips when I tell him to slow down, but meander along... nope... not my kid. You should see him on his bike now.... Lance Armstrong... you may have met your match. He's fast. Thankfully, Jacob knows how to read the Stop signs and crossing signals. But it's the always-in-a-rush-talking-on-their-stupid-cellphone drivers at busy intersections that terrify me.

Sometimes I wonder if we should move to the sticks. I grew up in farm country where there were swamps and ponds and creeks and miles and miles of forest. You could play amidst the crops and feed farm animals. I could run like the wind and pick wild strawberries, and read by the light of fireflies that I'd caught in a jar. As a child, I had the freedom to roam.... how much trouble could I get into running through a field? And I'd get dirty... but it was good clean dirt. Not the city grime and pollution and weird people that I am beginning to tire of. It's strange how the city never bothered me until I became a mother. My husband and I are country folk hooked on the convenience of downtown living. We love the fact that we everything we need is within walking distance... schools, groceries, post office, gym, bakery, butcher, coffee shop, shopping..... But I miss having space and growing my own food. And is it weird that I want my own chickens? And an alpaca or three?

So we'll see. Thankfully children thrive wherever you place their roots. And Jacob is one of the happiest children I know. That's all I could ever ask for.

I'll pass on the cake thank you

As some of you may know, I am known as the resident baker at my station. My task prior to going off on mat leave was to make as many sweet things that I could out of the 25lb sack of flour someone brought in. For all of you Paleo-ites and worshipppers lean body mass blah blah, this is when I say screw it.... a little sugar and flour go a long way for morale at work. When you've been getting dirty at calls, there is nothing like the smell of fresh baking and a cup of hot tea back at the station.

A friend and fellow firefighter thought he'd send me this link. He said it vaguely reminded him of me even though I wasn't going to China anytime soon. Now as a huge fan of baked goods there is no way I would get near that cake. That hose. I couldn't eat a bite with a straight face.

I'm sticking with plain ol' oatmeal cookies. ;)

oh brother

Most people I work with are a joy. However, there are a few fellas I find exasperating. There's Lance Romance and Scottie Too Hottie who are always flexing their muscles and shaving their chests and constantly talking about their latest conquests. There's Chair Mold... who won't budge an inch to help out with chores. And I can't forget about Ten to Ken... he's the one who is the last one to start shift, and the first one to leave. Pig Pen's the guy whose locker is a mess and leaves a trail of clothing-magazines-equipment everywhere he goes... even the helmet he wears is askew. I am sure I have more than a few qualities that the boys, in turn, find completely annoying, but that's part of communal living I suppose. I don't have any brothers but with me being on the fire department, it seems I have hundreds of brother siblings. Some annoy the heck out of me, some nurture, some make me laugh, but we're all bonded by what we do. And that makes us often closer to one another than real blood siblings. And just like in real families, there are times when we may not like each other, but when push comes to shove, we always have each others backs. We have to. Our lives depend on it.

fire

Fire is physical, spiritual, and metaphysical all rolled into one giant ball of burning energy. There is nothing like standing in the middle of an inferno watching the flames roll over my head. It's hot, but not unbearable. And I thank my lucky stars that the bunker gear, which is just as thick as a winter coat, is doing its job keeping me from being vaporized. It still blows my mind that I can basically stand in a furnace and feel fine. And sometimes during the middle of a fire I will stand stock-still for a split second and stare at the flames in amazement because more often than not in the next split second everything will get smoky with zero visibility and I'll have to drop to my hands and knees and feel my way around while never letting go of the hoseline. I was taught to never, ever let go of the hose...although heavy and awkward to manoevre, it's the only protection you have against the flame.... and it's my lifeline leading me back outside to safety. When the fire is finally extinguished, as strange as it sounds, it's a bit of a letdown when it's over. I am not sure if it's the fatigue from the physical exertion, or the slump after the adrenaline surge. All I know is that once one fire is out, every firefighter is waiting eagerly for the next one to start. I guess we're just weird that way.

rejuvenated

As sleep deprived as I am, I feel completely refreshed right now even though it's late. You see, I was in a funk from really missing some friends and finally got to see them tonight. At a pub. Sans kids. My husband was a doll and stayed home with them and for the first time in a long time I felt like me again. Not mom me. Not firefighter me. Just me. And some great pals. With great conversation. So without getting too mushy, Lady G, Sweet Pete, T Dot Sio, Daddy Ty, and my favourite militia man for making the 4 and half hour drive to join us, thanks for a lovely evening. And of course Mighty Mouse for getting the gang together. Sorry I had to leave early... got a text saying that Miss Maiya was awake and looking for moi... or rather, my boob. So of course I rushed home and she'd already fallen fast asleep again. Just as well I'm home now I guess because mornings come quick around here and at the stroke of midnight I turn into a pumpkin anyway. Actually, I turn into a mean ogre when the kids are up at 6 so off to bed.......

hugs and love... gnight... xo

help!

Today is one of those days that I can't 'figure me out'. At work, I can run into a burning building to try and save life, limb, or property but I find it virtually impossible to ask for help at home in my private life. Stopping a house from burning down, preventing someone's heart from never beating again, and putting my life at risk during a rescue is something that I don't think twice about. But it is difficult for me to ask for help at home whether it be from family members or babysitters. I am not sure why that is. Perhaps it is this fierce 'I want to do it on my own' sense that I've had ever since I was old enough to tie my shoes. We have never had a nanny and we hired a cleaning lady briefly because as lovely as she was, I felt odd that someone else was cleaning my mess and moreover, it was a bit uncomfortable having someone in 'my space'. I have always been fiercely independent and I think my weakness is the backwards thinking that asking for help is, well, a weakness. I crave more hours during the day when I can lounge in a hot bubble bath or read the newspaper uninterrupted or enjoy a cup of tea before it turns stone cold. I get to 'escape' for a few hours here and there but often, soon as I am away from the babes I start missing them. The fact is, I love spending time with my children. I just need a breather now and then. Especially on days like yesterday when mobile Maiya decided to use the dresser drawers as steps and ended up stuck. So with my husband working overtime last night and me alone with both children, I decided to give my parents a call to come over and give me a hand. I cannot tell you how smoothly the evening went and how I didn't have to say the word NO at all. :) This asking for help thing.... I will be doing it alot more from now on. And if my fairygodmother presented me with a personal chef and a chauffeur, I definitely would consider it. ;)