Well, it's all good.
I am finally in a place where I can speak of things without feeling like I am shattering into shards of glass. It's taken me a long time to get here. Although it was a journey that started with a heavy heart, it was a road I had to travel to get to a place that spoke of truth, yearning, and in some ways (much to the horror of what some might think), a road to freedom and self-discovery.
I am a single mother now.
I had a really hard time coming to grips with that term. I hate those two words put together... s.i.n.g.l.e.m.o.t.h.e.r. They sound so broken, as if being a single mother is something 'less than' like a misfit in society. It's as if being a single mom is worse or less worthy than being a mom with a husband or that she is less valuable to society without a man by her side. It is a term that seems to infer a stigma of pity, and not strength. I hate that term and the idiot who coined it. I don't want the pity, to see those ' I-am-so-sorry-what-the-heck-happened-looks' Or have people see my children as products of a 'broken home'. I hate, hate, hate that term too. As if children of separated parents are somehow damaged goods or less perfect than other children who come from intact families. It infuriates me when people can be so judgemental. So dear friends and neighbours, if you see my little family walking around, please don't offer condolences or give us glances of sympathy or sorrow. We are still whole people.
So instead of being a single mom, I prefer to call myself a co-parent. Because although I no longer play the role of a wife, I am still a partner in life with a man who continues to be involved and an amazing father to our children on a daily basis. He lives close by, the children seem happy to have an additional home to stash their treasures and I feel like I can breathe again. I was worried about how the children would adapt but they didn't even bat an eye for a second. Perhaps they are too young to understand. But I think they just see parents who love them and parents who are much happier and relaxed because that is all that matters to children. I think the key in all of this is that their father and I continue to care for each other even though we choose not to be together anymore. I know now, it is for the best. I think the hardest part for me was letting go of the image of that perfect marriage I so desperately wanted. I realize now, there is perfection in what has happened to the both of us. For the first time in many years, we are supporting each other to grow in our own directions instead of pulling each other down with our needs.
Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go.