Saturday, September 21, 2013

more new beginnings

Not only did I suffer the loss of my little family being split through divorce, I have had to watch my fire crew getting picked off and moved to different stations, myself included. The repercussions on morale have been indescribable. Almost like a divorce, there is this sense of shock, denial, pain, feeling of rejection. And grief from the separation. The higher powers that be in this paramilitary system called the fire department decided it was time to split up my crew..... one that has worked incredibly  well together for so long. But with every challenge, there is a silver lining. Time marches on and we realize, well at least I do, that there are new adventures to be had even if it means we are scared shitless of what lies in the unknown. And that the only way to stop feeling afraid is to put one foot in front of the other even if you really don't feel like it sometimes.


Been feeling sad that I haven't been faithful to my little blog but my lame reason is that my computer is fried and I can't seem to figure out how to blog from my iphone. I get inspired to write and put my myriad of musings in to the 'notes' section of my phone but can't seem to get the dang info onto the blog. So my notes sit there, trapped in this small 3 x 5 inch piece of technology for all of eternity. I try to blog from work if I get a break but inevitably when I do someone walks into my office and I quickly pull the page down from the screen as if I was some furtive teenage boy caught looking at porn. You see, what I write here is usually painfully private which mystifies me as to why I choose to share it. It's more the work colleague sharing thing that I worry about. I mean, what would they think? Would they still respect me for my vulnerability? Would they see me as a leader anymore? Or would they appreciate me just the same or perhaps even more because I have shown pieces of my heart and soul? Or would they shut me out for not being superhuman anymore? I have learned a big lesson over the summer while on vacation with a man I have fallen in love with. Which is totally scary and exhilirating but a whole other post for another day. We had a fight because I fell off a lead climb that I should not have been on in the first place. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I messed up and just wanted to hold it together. He was quite upset that I deflected how frightened I was. And pointed out I shouldn't try to be brave when clearly I am feeling terrified. And that I should back off when I am in over my head. Instead of seeing that he was there for me and just trying to be supportive, and that he was just plain scared for me, I had a bit on an existential meltdown and started quistioning who I was, what I stood for, and wondered if I was a terrible fake or a fantastic actress putting up a front to the world that yes, I AM FINE. Even if I am not. :( I literally cried in front of him. All.Day.Long. In the mountains in one of the most beautiful places in Canada. We did not climb for days afterwards. I was paralyzed with fear and grieved and sobbed. I sobbed for so many reasons: the guilt of not being with my children in while in the mountains(even though I was with them for over 2 weeks straight on vacation just prior). That my mother doesn't understand me. That my sister will never be close to me. That I cannot show weakness in front of my father. I cried a torrent of tears to the point my eyes were like puffballs. I questioned whether or not I should be a captain because in the culture of firefighting one cannot admit to being scared because it is seen as a sign of weakness and can be unsettling to those looking to their commander for direction. I questioned my ability to love in a relationship because if I showed the weak parts of me then would I be loved by this fellow I fell head over heels with and who my children adore? I cried. And it felt horrible. And it was terrifying for me. Because I have not lost my cool like that in so many, many years. We were both very rattled and inside I was like "well... you wanted to see me vulnerable. You just got more that you bargained for mister' But the beauty of it was because he loves me he did not walk away. He did not hate me or think less of me. Yes he was rattled. Yes he was a bit shell shocked. But in that moment he was patient and loving. And this was an epiphany because I realized I have not been patient nor kind to myself. I am my own worst critic and beat myself up for my misgivings. Which is not loving to my soul. And through my crisis it reaffirmed my need to treat myself like I would my best friend. And to get down on my knees and thank the universe for bringing this man into my life who has the courage to speak his mind to me because he wants to go the distance and get to know and love all the parts of me. Even the broken ones.