Friday, December 30, 2011

this is it

It's getting close...... I can't believe another year has gone by. It's been quite the year..... crazy, ambitious, exciting, heart wrenching, soul searching, anguished.... and in all sincerity, it's been perfect, well, in a weird existential kind of way.

Somewhere along the way I made Acting Captain, waved a tearful goodbye to my marriage, explored the potential energy of people and their love, and survived the ups and downs of being a single shift-working mother. I am still in a state of complete and utter wonder at where I am at this point in my life. All I can say is that my heart is still full to the brim with love and room to spare and that despite all the bloodshed of heartache and the tsunami of tears, I wouldn't change a single thing. Because through the heartache and the tears, I found happiness and peace and I am free. I am free from the feeling of wanting or yearning. I am free from the desire of wishing my life or others lives were this way or that. I am free from wanting me to be more than or less than anyone else. I am free because I finally understand that I am enough. Right here right now I am enough...... because I realized I don't have to bend over backwards to fit in someone else's life, or to change who I am thinking that in doing so, I will be loved in return in the way that I need to be loved. And I no longer am afraid of what the future might hold. Because what I have is NOW and the next second from here I needn't worry about because the future will arrive and take care of itself. This freedom comes from accepting that life is difficult and full of inherent suffering simply because we are human and we are flawed. And instead of running away or numbing myself from the pain I can accept it, even welcome it, and then say good-bye to it like a bad houseguest when the pain no longer serves me. In understanding that my pain is transient, pain no longer feels, well, painful. This is huge for me because I fought unhappiness for years without realizing the pain was in the fighting. I have stepped out of the ring..... I no longer choose to fight anymore.

For the first time in my life I feel brave.

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