Back from my trip. And something shifted in me. A subtle shift that crept up in me but a powerful one just the same....
The trip had a rough start but a strong finish. I learned a lot about myself. It was like a detox where the first few days I felt like an addict, unable to let go of the distractions of the daily routines of my life, unable to get the gears to stop whirring in my head, unable to stop spinning in overdrive. It was like I was stuck in the mud, or quicksand.
But like anything, the faster you hit bottom the faster you bounce back and while I do wear a few emotional scars, I feel like I can function again.
This trip was an opportunity to discover the things and ideas I want to hold onto, and the things and ideas I want to let go.
For the first time in half a dozen months, and perhaps maybe even a year or longer, I feel at peace and truly worthy of love. Even though there is no guarantee in anything when it comes to matters of romance, I am going to trust in love and all it has to offer. Moreso, I am going to trust in MY love and what I have to offer.
For the first time in my life I am going to be still and let go of trying to control and form my life into what I think it should be and enjoy my life for exactly what it is right in the present moment. I easily love people for who they are without trying to change them, so it's about time I treat myself the same way and love myself for exactly who and what I am... warts and all. I am letting go of my knee-jerk reactions to pain and anger, hurt and disappointment. Instead I choose to become a master of my mind, and a believer in my heart.
I will say it again. I will be still. I am not going to react to the emotional madness around me. Because true love is quiet. And this silence comforts me because I know I no longer have to go searching. Like I said, home is where the heart is and now, when I shut my eyes and sit in solitude, I know I will never feel alone again.