I am embarking on a week's vacation with the children and use this time to try and mend my soul.
So far it's not working.
There are a million other places I'd rather be right now. The first place is wrapped in the strong safe arms of the man who broke my heart. I play over the words and all the things he told me in the deep steady murmur of his voice and it pains me. Because I wanted to believe everything he said. I dove off this cliff into this thing called 'love' and I think I went splat. I feel so lost as I stare out of the window of this airplane. I need someone to catch my emotions as they tumble down full tilt from the sky. I have saved a few lives doing my job. Who can save mine now?
Dark heavy clouds loom over my heart like the plague. Not even my children's exuberance can pull me out of this funk. Rather, I feel impatient and curt with them because I am lost and consumed by my thoughts. I feel like the worst mother and person in the world. I don't want to hold it together anymore. What is wrong with me? I am in another country by the beauty of the ocean and all I want to do is wail.
I do not want to be around strangers, buffet lines and least of all tourists in their loud mumuus and hairy banana hammocks smelling of coconut oil and cheap rum. I swear I will smack the next person who tries to grab me by the hand to do the cha-cha or two step or whatever the fuck the dance of the moment is on the Lido deck. I need to be alone with my thoughts. But it only magnifies how lonely I am now that I am away from my daily distractions that allow me to escape on a certain level. Here, in the middle of the ocean, I feel like I can't run from myself because wherever I go there I am which goes to show that I am stuck with me whether I'm at home or on a rocket to the moon so I better figure out something pretty darn quick.
Aha. Maybe i have figured out why I am feeling so cuckoo. Sex. Or rather lack thereof. A giant roll in the hay would be a great salve. But lovemaking, sweet sweet lovemaking would be a cure for my soul. Can you tell it's been much too long since I've been laid? Ugh. I am going to die an old maid. Ugh.
Ironic and funny and kind of sad and pathetic that while married I made a thousand excuses to get out of sex. And now that is all I can think about.
You'd think with having worked with nothing but men for the past 10 years that I would have them figured out now.
I feel somewhat better this morning. Sleeping with the lull of the ship, being rocked gently back and forth among the waves reminds me of once upon a time being cradled in someone's safe arms.
I see octogenarians walking hand in hand along the beach without speaking, yet somehow I am sure they have been together for so long they speak telepathically. They seem to carry the quiet certainty of love that is forever and a day. And I am extremely jealous.
I stare out into the ocean and somehow feel tiny and insignificant. But being so small compared to the sea heals me because I see how my problems are just a flash in the universe. Still, they are MY problems. And they swallow me whole.
Once again I stare out into the ocean and I pray for a sign that I will be ok: A dolphin? A rainbow maybe? A volcanic eruption? Sigh. Nothing.
This is crazy. I am yet again suffering from insomnia so I am hunkered down in the 4x4 foot cabin bathroom writing this so my kids can sleep in the dark. And also so that they can't hear me cry. I stare at the mirror under the harsh fluorescent lights and wonder, who is this woman who looks back at me. I look deep into her tired eyes in search for a friendly smile or a glimmer of hope. None.
Maybe I need to get plastered. As in rip roaring drunk. But then again, I hate drinking alone. Besides, I say stupid, stupid things when I am drunk, which is why I don't drink much in the first place.
Maybe I am a massachist (sp?) in that I choose to be in pain. After all, pain can be exquisite. But I've decided pain of the heart is not
Maiya asked me what I wanted Santa to bring me. To which I replied: 'Tall, dark and handsome'. She just looked at me quizzically and scampered off to get another helping of ice cream.
Life is looking up. Now I'd love to say I met the man of my dreams but nope, found a chin up bar at the very top front (forward?) of the ship in such a secluded place I finally felt like I could breathe. I didn't shout 'I'm the King of the World' or anything stupid or cheesy like that. But rather, I did one hundred burpee pull ups like a badass GI Jane. Did my first 3 finger pull up. Ok six if counting both hands. Hey, gotta find happiness where it comes.
Just realized that maybe this yet again painful period in my life is my Phoenix rising. Maybe I am being transformed! Hopefully whatever I am in the middle of right now passes quickly because this clenched fist over my heart blows big time.