unravelling......

....... in a big, big way. Thought I was ok but I guess I am not. I suppose I was being A-type thinking I could be fine already. Funny how the world perceives me as strong, together, competent. Yet on days like today I see myself unravelling at the seams... too tired to cry. Too numb to eat. Too exhausted to sleep. I should win an Academy for the great act I've been putting on because truth be told, I'm an not ok in this moment. On days like today I question the choices I have made, all in the quest to find myself, and to love and be loved.... to be cherished exactly for who I am in the moment, to be loved for all my mistakes and confusion of my past. To be loved and forgiven for any mistakes I will make in the future. Deep down I think there is a part of me that believes that I am unworthy of love and somehow I must figure out how to change this negative tape that plays in my head. I feel vulnerable, raw, flawed, and untrusting of this word called love. How will I ever learn to feel it with another being again without being scared to the bone that I will get crushed again? My heart doesn't feel resilient and strong...rather it is something that I hold cautiously in my chest to the point where I am terrified if I take a breath too deeply it will shatter like glass again. Normal feelings I suppose. Horribly painful nonetheless. I look forward to being on shift again so I can get out of my head and help people in any way I can. Besides, the guys never let me get away for feeling sorry for myself for long. And that is a good thing.