trouble in paradise

It's not always as rosy as it seems at the firehouse. I have witnessed firefighters in screaming matches, things getting thrown around. It can get pretty dramatic. We are, after all, pretty intense people. Being cooped up with the same people you haven't necessarily chosen to be with often does not help. With this damp, cold and rainy weather we have all been pretty miserable and it feels like house arrest hanging out in the fire house itching for the alarm to go so we have an excuse to get out and feel useful. Bickering starts over nothing: who cleans more, who ate the last of the peanut butter, what channel to watch on tv. Asinine problems I know but in the heat of the moment they can be real issues.

I am not immune.

Yesterday was my first shift as Acting Captain but there were some problems off the bat before I even set foot into the station:
1- I had a torn bicep muscle and my arm was in excruciating pain.
2- my children were up the past two nights with fevers and tummy aches and I was exhausted and overwhelmed
3-Aunt Flo decided to pay me an early visit.

So although I was confident and capable and sure footed as I ran the calls, I felt out of sorts and insecure fitting in with this new group of fellas that I have only been with for two weeks. I still haven't learned their working styles, their strengths, their weaknesses and they certainly didn't know mine. And even though I am senior to them, they run the show because it is their station, and they know the neighborhood and the surroundings like the back of their hand.

I can honestly say I learned more about myself as a firefighter during these past 24 hours than I have this past year. It was crazy. It was amazing. And without getting into the gory details, it is why I love this job so much because it pushes me to those mental limits that make me just want to be a better person and a contributer to this profession I love.

I have never been so exhausted in my life. But every bag under my eye and grey hair on top of my head I have proudly earned. Keep bringing it... the learning never stops and I want to continue to learn like I've never learned before. xo

rules of the road

I am not sure what was in the air last shift but it was a day of collisions: cars, pedestrians, cyclists, you name it.
If it's one thing that I learned from observations and simple probable rules of physics, it is that the biggest vehicle wins.
Which is why I drive an F350. A bit too much truck in the city but hey, like I said, biggest car wins. And my precious children sitting in the backseat make the $140 tank fill up worth it.

bad bad day at the firehouse

We had an incident at work that was so traumatic that it was the first time I saw our senior Captain with tears in his eyes. It was a fire call and the outcome was tragic. Brace yourself animal lovers, this picture is not kind:
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Yup. Those were eight beautiful half chickens that were lovingly marinated only to be taken down in flames. Seems my crewmate tending the bbq forgot to turn the heat down. I am just glad it wasn't me. There's nothing worse than 7 hungry firefighters ready to lynch you as they try to figure out how to eat this.

It was hopeless. It was like trying to eat vaporized charcoal.

So, like all good firefighters, the poor bastard who was responsible for this mess did some quick thinking and whipped up a batch of this:

Dinner ice cream sandwiches.

There are worse things I suppose. ;)

the dance

We had a call last shift where the patient suddenly became combative with the paramedic on scene. With unspoken choreography, my crew stepped forward in perfect unison and circled around protectively. I love when we are in sync together like that, doing what we just need to do. Swan Lake couldn't have looked as good as that very moment. This is when I already know that my new crew and I are a true team. Love it.

so far so good

Well, 7 hours into my first shift and so far so good. The guys here are super and made me feel completely welcome. The Platoon Chief and District Chief came down and handed me my stripes, new helmet plaques, and notebook:
I was mildly mortified at all the attention. One of my new crewmates said 'Drink it up girl. You earned and deserve this moment'. I didn't realize how big a step in my career this was until other crews we bumped into at calls started giving me handshakes, hi fives and hugs. I can't tell you how special these small gestures have made me feel. Well, I can I suppose. These small gestures made me feel like one of the boys and I think being a woman in a man's world, this means more to me than you can possibly imagine. :) I couldn't have done it without some really great leadership and people backing me.

No one pinch me.

butterflies and more new beginnings

I start at my new station tomorrow. As an Acting Captain. I am mildly freaking out, in a good way of course. I have big boots to fill. The previous Acting at the station was amazingly capable and respected. I feel like a bit of a rookie again. Like it's my first day at school. There was some smack talk from another shift that got back to me saying although I kicked ass in the exam I won't be able to handle the pressure at a bad call. Guy who said that of course doesn't have the balls to say it to my face though. And interestingly enough, he scored lower than me on the exam. If it's one thing I've learned after all these years on the job, is that I don't have to smack back. I'm just gonna keep doing what I have always done, put my head down and dig deep and work ten times harder than everyone else. The proof is in the pudding. And baby, this girl can bake. xo

snot

Last shift was crazy. You know when you take in a bit too much smoke at a call when you blow your nose and everything that comes out is all black.
Too much information, I know, but hey, just wanted to share. Lol. ;)

new beginnings

Well, it's all good.

I am finally in a place where I can speak of things without feeling like I am shattering into shards of glass. It's taken me a long time to get here. Although it was a journey that started with a heavy heart, it was a road I had to travel to get to a place that spoke of truth, yearning, and in some ways (much to the horror of what some might think), a road to freedom and self-discovery.

I am a single mother now.

I had a really hard time coming to grips with that term. I hate those two words put together... s.i.n.g.l.e.m.o.t.h.e.r. They sound so broken, as if being a single mother is something 'less than' like a misfit in society. It's as if being a single mom is worse or less worthy than being a mom with a husband or that she is less valuable to society without a man by her side. It is a term that seems to infer a stigma of pity, and not strength. I hate that term and the idiot who coined it. I don't want the pity, to see those ' I-am-so-sorry-what-the-heck-happened-looks' Or have people see my children as products of a 'broken home'. I hate, hate, hate that term too. As if children of separated parents are somehow damaged goods or less perfect than other children who come from intact families. It infuriates me when people can be so judgemental. So dear friends and neighbours, if you see my little family walking around, please don't offer condolences or give us glances of sympathy or sorrow. We are still whole people.

So instead of being a single mom, I prefer to call myself a co-parent. Because although I no longer play the role of a wife, I am still a partner in life with a man who continues to be involved and an amazing father to our children on a daily basis. He lives close by, the children seem happy to have an additional home to stash their treasures and I feel like I can breathe again. I was worried about how the children would adapt but they didn't even bat an eye for a second. Perhaps they are too young to understand. But I think they just see parents who love them and parents who are much happier and relaxed because that is all that matters to children. I think the key in all of this is that their father and I continue to care for each other even though we choose not to be together anymore. I know now, it is for the best. I think the hardest part for me was letting go of the image of that perfect marriage I so desperately wanted. I realize now, there is perfection in what has happened to the both of us. For the first time in many years, we are supporting each other to grow in our own directions instead of pulling each other down with our needs.

Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go.

Instead of trying to be happy, I look for moments of happiness throughout the day. Today my children and I found a lavendar bush in the heart of downtown so that was something to smile about. Some days the moments linger longer than others. Other days I have to dig really deep. I will dig all the way to China if I have to, anything to stop me from falling into the abyss of depression. I keep telling myself that I am in a tunnel, not a hole. And at some point I will make my way through to see daylight on the other side. And although I give in to the tears, I refuse to become bitter. There is no room in my heart for that.

Time marches on.

baby steps

Feeling better today. Instead of this constant dark cloud over my head, I feel like I have moments of brightness and respite from sadness. I almost feel as if I can come out with it, speak about it without my eyes welling up with tears. Almost.

life as I don't know it

For the first time in my life I have no clue about what the future holds for me. And for the first time in this A-type personality's life, I am completely ok with it. Normally I live my life based on a spread sheet of data and goals and timelines but life has thrown a huge curve-ball at me as you know and I am still reeling from its effects. I am still processing all that's happened over the past few months and still feeling really raw and vulnerable but for the first time in as long as I can remember I am feeling hopeful and trusting in whatever the future may hold for me. For the first time I am living in the moment unable and unwilling to predict what might happen to my future. I am no longer afraid of my feelings and am able to move through the pain to feel the joy on the other side, realizing that I am in a tunnel, not a hole. I move through moments of extreme self-doubt to moments where I know I am more than ok because there is something bigger than all of us here to teach me to learn and love on an even deeper level than I have ever known.

My commitment now is to be true to myself, to be vulnerable, to give myself permission to be authentically me. This is he scariest thing I have ever had to do.... to face myself and hold myself accountable to the truth.

Still, I am not quite ready to reveal what has been going on. Because i still cant form the words to make any sense of it. To some, it might not seem to be a big deal, but for me, it's been monumental and the most pain I have ever experienced. But at the end of the day, in spite of, or despite the pain, I feel tremendous love and gratitude and consider myself the luckiest woman on this planet. It is the best feeling in the world when you can let go of the anger that has held me captive for so long.

enough with the spray tan

Last night I plunked down in front of the tv to do some mindless channel surfing. I ended up watching two hours worth of back to back Toddlers and Tiaras. Nothing better than that show to remind me that I am a good (and normal!) mother. And waaaaay cheaper than therapy. ;)

remedy

Sunshine and sleep are salves for the soul. xo

hangin in

Still on this roller coaster ride of emotions. And I want to kick them out of my body like a bad houseguest who has overstayed their welcome. Not sure when I will ever feel normal again. And I hate feeling fragile, vulnerable, and raw. What happened to this tough gal I once knew? Some moments are filled with extreme clarity and other moments I am numb to the bone. I hold on to my children and breathe in their sweetness and it calms me for the moment until they wriggle out of my arms and they scamper off to play. I try to seek solace at the gym, thinking that if I am breathless with exhaustion I won't be able to feel pain. But I guess pain reminds me that I am alive. And that I am living, and therefore going to survive this confusion and heartache. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I wake up and feel that the sun shines again. But then again I worry 'maybe not'.

Sigh.

grief part deux

Tears won't stop and they are making me feel angry that I don't have the control over them. This lack of control is a tremendously odd feeling since control is the zone I like to live in, like the way I can control my breathing inside my mask when I am fighting a fire in the bowels of a building. I can't tame these emotions the way we try to tame a fire. I can't water my feelings down, or compartmentalize them into neat tiny packages to put away on a shelf or crush them in the garbage compactor. Even a vicious workout doesn't soothe me. My crewmate texts me words of encouragement and I am so grateful because it reminds me that someone is thinking of me. I battle between moments of a flood of tears and sparks of rage. And between the two, I suddenly feel alive, and hopeful, and trust that everything is going to be fine. And that it's ok to allow myself to feel the depths of sadness and anger and that I won't disintegrate like a wet Kleenex lying in the bottom of a puddle.

At least for the next 24 hours I can put my gameface on and be 100% secure in knowing that I can handle whatever call is thrown my way.
I am headed into shift. Time to wipe my eyes and take a deep breath.

It's showtime.

grief

Grief. It's a loaded word. On the job, I have witnessed its many forms. Sometimes grief is the blood-curdling wail of a son who just lost his mother, or grief can be that blank thousand-yard stare of shock. I have seen people wander around in circles at calls, I have seen people curse, break things or just sit down and cry. And I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do to alleviate their pain except to offer my hand to hold, hand over a tissue, or give them a gentle nod of understanding, even though I will never completely understand what they are going through, simply because I am not them.

But in a way, I do know because I have been grieving the loss of something that I once so deeply believed in and now my world has gone upside down that there are moments I am not sure of anything, but then again this uncertainty has grounded me in living my life millisecond by millisecond, trusting and embracing whatever the future might hold for me.

I wish I could go into detail but the feelings are too sharp, too muddled and raw to explain. But in my grief, there is that ray of hopefulness that my life can only move forward in a positive way like it always has. Since my childhood, my father has told me I was born under a lucky star and I believe this. I do not believe in God, but I know there is a greater power and His/It/Her energy bathes me with a calming force.

I think the key to grief is to not fight it. To accept it for what it is and what it has to teach you, to feel it, bathe in it. And to let it give you strength. I cried for the first time in a decade in front of one of my crewmates. Not a huge cry, but the two tears that rolled down my face were enough to rattle me and my crewmate just a little bit but like every great firefighter, my colleague gave me that look of knowing and understanding. And in that look he gave me, I knew I had it in me to handle whatever comes my way.

So as I lie awake here tossing and turning mere hours before I start my next shift, I am saying a silent prayer of thanks to my crew, my beautiful children, and to all the people I have the privilege of helping every time the alarm sounds. In grief, there is that huge possibility of joy, and this is what I hold onto. xo

introspection

I am still in that post-exam haze where I am finally able to allow myself to feel the myriad of emotions that I have been suppressing for a long time. Funny how the distraction of an exam can make you push thoughts and feelings away. Right now, I am still on cloud nine, enjoying my beautiful children who I have neglected somewhat with my head up in the fire department policy and procedure clouds. Anxiety is starting to hit me as well knowing that I will probably be leaving my crew within the next month or two. Although I feel happy about the promotion, I feel this like I am forced to break up with these people I have grown to know and love, who have become such a part of my life. A part of my life I never want to let go. And I feel like a baby bird being kicked out the nest even though I am not sure I know how to fly. This melancholy, mixed with the spring rain, makes me feel like I've aged a billion years, making me ponder and feel much more poetic than I could possibly imagine myself to be.

I think people for the most part might think I am a bit crazy. I am intense and can't shut it off. My sister always accuses me of this but I can't help it. I have deep burning questions on what makes people tick, why we do things to each other, why it is so much easier for mankind to gravitate towards hate instead of love. Why we are so hell bent on destroying the planet and each other. But in all this I am hopeful. I believe in old souls and a power that is bigger than all of us. I believe in chaos theory. I believe in reality i believe in dreams. I believe in you. I believe in me. And I believe in all of us. More than anything I believe in all of us. And the basic human need for love and self worth and happiness and validation, and just plain old fitting in.

And I pray that I fit in with the next crew I am assigned to. Thank goodness I have my children to keep my feet planted on the ground and keep me sane. Without them i would be nothing. I don't think I felt unconditional love before in my life until I birthed my son from my body. I don't think I grew up and became a woman until I had them. As their hearts grew in me and beat in rhythm beneath mine, they became a part of me and it's the closest I have come to feeling peace in my tumultuous mind.

But firefighting brings me peace too. Amidst the sirens, and the smoke and the screams, it gives me a framework of who I am. I do wish I could turn back the clock in so many ways. I do wish I had the chance to taste this thing called fire when I was twenty instead of thirty. And now, here I am at just over 40. I do wish I could be so much more to this profession. I think in so many ways firefighters around the world have a connection that is deep and so profound because we are on the exact same journey with almost the exact same stories to tell. There is this connection that hits me in the core of my soul.

It has made me believe in possibility.

OMG

Results of the exam were released yesterday and I am still in a state of shock.
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I placed first.

I do not take credit for it because it was all due to the amazing collective energy of the people around me. There is no way I could have done it without them.

I am still in disbelief. And so very relieved I could cry. Looking back I don't know where I found the strength, the time, or the energy. I think it was my sheer stubbornness, fear of failing, pragmatism, and pure old fashioned adrenaline that got me through. Oh.... and a lot of ice cream. Post exam, there was a feeling of elation.... but now I feel a bit lost..... as I am trying to reconnect with all the things that I have put on the backburner. It's like this huuuuuge whoosh of concentrated energy that I am finally allowing to leave my body. I can breathe again. And look at my family with clear and present eyes instead of running through hundreds of pages of notes through my head simultaneously. There's a lot more levity at work now since I can focus on the learning through experience and application now. Before it was just learning through study. Now it's time to cement everything I have learned into my body. It's one thing to read about command presence, and another thing to embody it. This will come with time I hope.

So I get my promotion. :) Exactly when, I don't know. I am hoping it won't be until Christmas because I am not quite ready to leave the nest and the comfort that my crew gives me. I want to spend the summer with them, and gain the experience and the confidence so that when the time comes for me to move on up to the front seat and switch stations, I will be ready.

I look back at how terrified I was of everyone and everything when I was a rookie. The trucks seemed too big and I seemed so small and naive in comparison. And now, ten years later I have grown up in this fire family and have found my place.... as both a woman on the job, and most of all as a plain old firefighter. I could have not done this without all the encouragement, love and support of the boys and girls in blue, and my immediate family who gave me my space when I was in the middle of my studying 'crazies'.

I think my proudest moment was when the most alpha of alpha males congratulated me yesterday. I was a pipsqueak compared to his large and looming shadow. Now, I might just allow myself to turn my squeak into a a little bit of a roar.

To the firemen at my station, thank you for taking over the majority of chores and cooking while I've been holed up in the back room swallowed in a sea of books and paper. To the senior mates who passed on their years of knowledge and wisdom. To my husband who gave me my space, to my kids for watching mommy become the best she can be. To my girlfriends who have been the best shoulders to cry on and laugh with....... I give you my love and blessings. I am so grateful for everyone's support. xoxoxox

close that chapter

O.M.G.

It's done.

I cannot believe that my exam and simulator is over. I feel happy, giddy, exhausted, shell-shocked. I had to take a week to unwind and get used to what it feels like again not to feel under pressure. I didn't realize the toll it was taking on my mind. The past six months of intense studying for hours a day is a blur yet the hundreds of pages read remain amazingly clear. As much as I felt I was bleeding blood from a stone, I am glad I went through the process. It is a right of passage that firefighters must take if they want to become officers. Most importantly, the process, promotion or not, makes you a better, more disciplined and knowledgeable firefighter. All of us who wrote expected to feel this elation upon completion but now we're all in a waiting game, a holding pattern until they release the results next month. I think I did well and the only thing that might hold me back is my seniority... I am somewhere in the middle of the pack and the mark is based on a combination of percentage achieved on the exam and years of service. So we shall see.

So now I am back to the land of the living and feel like I suddenly have time on my hands again. I am less snippy with the children and my husband. And it feels so good to just be present with my family. My mind isn't cluttered trying to hold all the information in. Spring is here. I have the fever.

First shift back after my exam I was greeted with a second alarm housefire. Happened right at shift change. And I broke one of the rules.... not a huge deal but after learning every single policy and procedure out there it felt good to be a rebel. You see, I was walking into the station at shift change and the trucks were starting up. So I literally grabbed my gear, and pulled it on over my jeans and tank top and drove the ladder to the call. And when we arrived there were flames shooting through the roof. I hesitate to say that it was a beautiful thing to see because, after all, someone's home was burning down and that is never a good thing. But the this is what we live for as firefighters....... flame. And although you can't hold it, you can see it, taste it and smell it. And hopefully consume it before it consumes you.

Yes. This is why I wrote the exam. To be able to stand in the middle of burning chaos, hopefully calm and cool as a cucumber and get things back under control.

Thanks y'all for being patient with me while I was in absentia. Lots and lots to catch up on. I will be posting pictures soon of the children. Amazing how much they can grow in six months.

In the meantime.....

buh-bye study notes... lol




hugs and love.

Still here.

I cannot believe how much I have missed posting but in my quest and journey towards being a fire captain I have had to make some tough choices on how to manage my time. In addition to life as a mom, and a full time firefighter, I have had to study 3 to 8 hours a day. Weekends I might catch an hour here or there when the kids are down for a nap. I study standing in line at the grocery store, run through the command functions in my head at the gym, and wake up muttering initial fire reports. I don't get to banter as much with the guys at work anymore because my head is buried in books, books, books. They make fun of me of course, but they understand. And they have been so supportive in helping me out anyway they can. I cannot believe how intense the past 6 months have been and how few meltdowns I have actually had considering the pace I have been running. Since mid- October, I have managed to cram over three thousand pages of information between my ears. In less than two weeks I write my exam and in three I do the fire simulator in front of a panel of district chiefs. I've decided that the way I am going to keep myself calm is to picture them in black socks and underwear. My District Chief laughs at me when I tell him how crazy it has gotten, how I can remember the most minute of details buried in a policy or bylaw. He relates. He feels my pain. He's been there. It is a right of passage. Out of the 90 candidates that originally chose to participate in the promotional process, 70 remain. Some have dropped out because of the pressure, some because of time constraints, and others because they realize that it's not a position they want. It's a position that I want though. But with only 10 positions open at this time, the competition is going to be fierce. Surprisingly I feel pretty calm about it all. I have studied all that I can study, and have given it all that I can. I am fortunate that my husband has been so supportive, along with my fire crew. My Captain lets me ride in his position and take all the calls as Incident Commander so that I can take what I've learned in theory and solidify it in my body as I do it for real. If I thought firefighting on the physical level was tough, firefighting as a Captain, is so much harder. There is more pressure, more work on the cerebral level, being the eyes and ears at a call, and completely responsible for the health and safety for each and every person at that incident who has put their trust in you to make the right call.

Promotion or no promotion, it's been a win win situation. The worst that happens is that I am exactly where I am... with a crew that I love and respect. But really, I am not exactly where I am, I am so much more enriched than before I started this process. I cannot tell you how happy I have been the past six months preparing for this exam. My confidence as a firefighter has grown as well as my respect and appreciation for those who surround me. I never understood until now how finely tuned and orchestrated an emergency scene is. It's not a bunch of guys running around with axes and hoses. There is a method and procedure that is like a dance. And to me, the power of a fire scene will always remain pure magic.

Wish me luck! xo I will keep you posted on how it goes.