Still on this roller coaster ride of emotions. And I want to kick them out of my body like a bad houseguest who has overstayed their welcome. Not sure when I will ever feel normal again. And I hate feeling fragile, vulnerable, and raw. What happened to this tough gal I once knew? Some moments are filled with extreme clarity and other moments I am numb to the bone. I hold on to my children and breathe in their sweetness and it calms me for the moment until they wriggle out of my arms and they scamper off to play. I try to seek solace at the gym, thinking that if I am breathless with exhaustion I won't be able to feel pain. But I guess pain reminds me that I am alive. And that I am living, and therefore going to survive this confusion and heartache. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I wake up and feel that the sun shines again. But then again I worry 'maybe not'.
Sigh.
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The sun DOES shine....and that is the thing you do so well for other people when you are on a call. So now it is your turn to let those around you who care about you, to share their sunshine with you! You are in my thoughts (especially as I was hauling hose in search and rescue drills all day!)
ReplyDeleteMightymouse (AS)
You go girl! Nothing I love more than hauling hose up stairs till my lungs are lungs are raw and my throat raspy.
ReplyDeleteDemented I know, but tis what we love as firefighters. No elliptical trainers for us. :)
Thanks for the thoughts.
Stay strong - you give the rest of us hope.
ReplyDelete~hydrantgirl
Hey.. Not really sure what's going on.. but, hope that you're ok..with all that's going on.
ReplyDeletexox