Sunday, August 14, 2011

life as I don't know it

For the first time in my life I have no clue about what the future holds for me. And for the first time in this A-type personality's life, I am completely ok with it. Normally I live my life based on a spread sheet of data and goals and timelines but life has thrown a huge curve-ball at me as you know and I am still reeling from its effects. I am still processing all that's happened over the past few months and still feeling really raw and vulnerable but for the first time in as long as I can remember I am feeling hopeful and trusting in whatever the future may hold for me. For the first time I am living in the moment unable and unwilling to predict what might happen to my future. I am no longer afraid of my feelings and am able to move through the pain to feel the joy on the other side, realizing that I am in a tunnel, not a hole. I move through moments of extreme self-doubt to moments where I know I am more than ok because there is something bigger than all of us here to teach me to learn and love on an even deeper level than I have ever known.

My commitment now is to be true to myself, to be vulnerable, to give myself permission to be authentically me. This is he scariest thing I have ever had to do.... to face myself and hold myself accountable to the truth.

Still, I am not quite ready to reveal what has been going on. Because i still cant form the words to make any sense of it. To some, it might not seem to be a big deal, but for me, it's been monumental and the most pain I have ever experienced. But at the end of the day, in spite of, or despite the pain, I feel tremendous love and gratitude and consider myself the luckiest woman on this planet. It is the best feeling in the world when you can let go of the anger that has held me captive for so long.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could hold your hand, to give you comfort.
    I wish I could hug you tight, to let you know it's going to be ok.
    While I may not know the reason behind your grief, it is real, and I feel sad.
    I've been thinking of you, even though we are miles apart, because it breaks my heart to know somewhere in this world, your heart is broken.
    From the other side of the world, I ask the moon to beam you a beacon of hope.
    Please take care, Firemama.
    xox Su kim