enough with the spray tan

Last night I plunked down in front of the tv to do some mindless channel surfing. I ended up watching two hours worth of back to back Toddlers and Tiaras. Nothing better than that show to remind me that I am a good (and normal!) mother. And waaaaay cheaper than therapy. ;)

remedy

Sunshine and sleep are salves for the soul. xo

hangin in

Still on this roller coaster ride of emotions. And I want to kick them out of my body like a bad houseguest who has overstayed their welcome. Not sure when I will ever feel normal again. And I hate feeling fragile, vulnerable, and raw. What happened to this tough gal I once knew? Some moments are filled with extreme clarity and other moments I am numb to the bone. I hold on to my children and breathe in their sweetness and it calms me for the moment until they wriggle out of my arms and they scamper off to play. I try to seek solace at the gym, thinking that if I am breathless with exhaustion I won't be able to feel pain. But I guess pain reminds me that I am alive. And that I am living, and therefore going to survive this confusion and heartache. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I wake up and feel that the sun shines again. But then again I worry 'maybe not'.

Sigh.

grief part deux

Tears won't stop and they are making me feel angry that I don't have the control over them. This lack of control is a tremendously odd feeling since control is the zone I like to live in, like the way I can control my breathing inside my mask when I am fighting a fire in the bowels of a building. I can't tame these emotions the way we try to tame a fire. I can't water my feelings down, or compartmentalize them into neat tiny packages to put away on a shelf or crush them in the garbage compactor. Even a vicious workout doesn't soothe me. My crewmate texts me words of encouragement and I am so grateful because it reminds me that someone is thinking of me. I battle between moments of a flood of tears and sparks of rage. And between the two, I suddenly feel alive, and hopeful, and trust that everything is going to be fine. And that it's ok to allow myself to feel the depths of sadness and anger and that I won't disintegrate like a wet Kleenex lying in the bottom of a puddle.

At least for the next 24 hours I can put my gameface on and be 100% secure in knowing that I can handle whatever call is thrown my way.
I am headed into shift. Time to wipe my eyes and take a deep breath.

It's showtime.

grief

Grief. It's a loaded word. On the job, I have witnessed its many forms. Sometimes grief is the blood-curdling wail of a son who just lost his mother, or grief can be that blank thousand-yard stare of shock. I have seen people wander around in circles at calls, I have seen people curse, break things or just sit down and cry. And I feel helpless that there is nothing I can do to alleviate their pain except to offer my hand to hold, hand over a tissue, or give them a gentle nod of understanding, even though I will never completely understand what they are going through, simply because I am not them.

But in a way, I do know because I have been grieving the loss of something that I once so deeply believed in and now my world has gone upside down that there are moments I am not sure of anything, but then again this uncertainty has grounded me in living my life millisecond by millisecond, trusting and embracing whatever the future might hold for me.

I wish I could go into detail but the feelings are too sharp, too muddled and raw to explain. But in my grief, there is that ray of hopefulness that my life can only move forward in a positive way like it always has. Since my childhood, my father has told me I was born under a lucky star and I believe this. I do not believe in God, but I know there is a greater power and His/It/Her energy bathes me with a calming force.

I think the key to grief is to not fight it. To accept it for what it is and what it has to teach you, to feel it, bathe in it. And to let it give you strength. I cried for the first time in a decade in front of one of my crewmates. Not a huge cry, but the two tears that rolled down my face were enough to rattle me and my crewmate just a little bit but like every great firefighter, my colleague gave me that look of knowing and understanding. And in that look he gave me, I knew I had it in me to handle whatever comes my way.

So as I lie awake here tossing and turning mere hours before I start my next shift, I am saying a silent prayer of thanks to my crew, my beautiful children, and to all the people I have the privilege of helping every time the alarm sounds. In grief, there is that huge possibility of joy, and this is what I hold onto. xo

introspection

I am still in that post-exam haze where I am finally able to allow myself to feel the myriad of emotions that I have been suppressing for a long time. Funny how the distraction of an exam can make you push thoughts and feelings away. Right now, I am still on cloud nine, enjoying my beautiful children who I have neglected somewhat with my head up in the fire department policy and procedure clouds. Anxiety is starting to hit me as well knowing that I will probably be leaving my crew within the next month or two. Although I feel happy about the promotion, I feel this like I am forced to break up with these people I have grown to know and love, who have become such a part of my life. A part of my life I never want to let go. And I feel like a baby bird being kicked out the nest even though I am not sure I know how to fly. This melancholy, mixed with the spring rain, makes me feel like I've aged a billion years, making me ponder and feel much more poetic than I could possibly imagine myself to be.

I think people for the most part might think I am a bit crazy. I am intense and can't shut it off. My sister always accuses me of this but I can't help it. I have deep burning questions on what makes people tick, why we do things to each other, why it is so much easier for mankind to gravitate towards hate instead of love. Why we are so hell bent on destroying the planet and each other. But in all this I am hopeful. I believe in old souls and a power that is bigger than all of us. I believe in chaos theory. I believe in reality i believe in dreams. I believe in you. I believe in me. And I believe in all of us. More than anything I believe in all of us. And the basic human need for love and self worth and happiness and validation, and just plain old fitting in.

And I pray that I fit in with the next crew I am assigned to. Thank goodness I have my children to keep my feet planted on the ground and keep me sane. Without them i would be nothing. I don't think I felt unconditional love before in my life until I birthed my son from my body. I don't think I grew up and became a woman until I had them. As their hearts grew in me and beat in rhythm beneath mine, they became a part of me and it's the closest I have come to feeling peace in my tumultuous mind.

But firefighting brings me peace too. Amidst the sirens, and the smoke and the screams, it gives me a framework of who I am. I do wish I could turn back the clock in so many ways. I do wish I had the chance to taste this thing called fire when I was twenty instead of thirty. And now, here I am at just over 40. I do wish I could be so much more to this profession. I think in so many ways firefighters around the world have a connection that is deep and so profound because we are on the exact same journey with almost the exact same stories to tell. There is this connection that hits me in the core of my soul.

It has made me believe in possibility.

OMG

Results of the exam were released yesterday and I am still in a state of shock.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
,
,
,

I placed first.

I do not take credit for it because it was all due to the amazing collective energy of the people around me. There is no way I could have done it without them.

I am still in disbelief. And so very relieved I could cry. Looking back I don't know where I found the strength, the time, or the energy. I think it was my sheer stubbornness, fear of failing, pragmatism, and pure old fashioned adrenaline that got me through. Oh.... and a lot of ice cream. Post exam, there was a feeling of elation.... but now I feel a bit lost..... as I am trying to reconnect with all the things that I have put on the backburner. It's like this huuuuuge whoosh of concentrated energy that I am finally allowing to leave my body. I can breathe again. And look at my family with clear and present eyes instead of running through hundreds of pages of notes through my head simultaneously. There's a lot more levity at work now since I can focus on the learning through experience and application now. Before it was just learning through study. Now it's time to cement everything I have learned into my body. It's one thing to read about command presence, and another thing to embody it. This will come with time I hope.

So I get my promotion. :) Exactly when, I don't know. I am hoping it won't be until Christmas because I am not quite ready to leave the nest and the comfort that my crew gives me. I want to spend the summer with them, and gain the experience and the confidence so that when the time comes for me to move on up to the front seat and switch stations, I will be ready.

I look back at how terrified I was of everyone and everything when I was a rookie. The trucks seemed too big and I seemed so small and naive in comparison. And now, ten years later I have grown up in this fire family and have found my place.... as both a woman on the job, and most of all as a plain old firefighter. I could have not done this without all the encouragement, love and support of the boys and girls in blue, and my immediate family who gave me my space when I was in the middle of my studying 'crazies'.

I think my proudest moment was when the most alpha of alpha males congratulated me yesterday. I was a pipsqueak compared to his large and looming shadow. Now, I might just allow myself to turn my squeak into a a little bit of a roar.

To the firemen at my station, thank you for taking over the majority of chores and cooking while I've been holed up in the back room swallowed in a sea of books and paper. To the senior mates who passed on their years of knowledge and wisdom. To my husband who gave me my space, to my kids for watching mommy become the best she can be. To my girlfriends who have been the best shoulders to cry on and laugh with....... I give you my love and blessings. I am so grateful for everyone's support. xoxoxox

close that chapter

O.M.G.

It's done.

I cannot believe that my exam and simulator is over. I feel happy, giddy, exhausted, shell-shocked. I had to take a week to unwind and get used to what it feels like again not to feel under pressure. I didn't realize the toll it was taking on my mind. The past six months of intense studying for hours a day is a blur yet the hundreds of pages read remain amazingly clear. As much as I felt I was bleeding blood from a stone, I am glad I went through the process. It is a right of passage that firefighters must take if they want to become officers. Most importantly, the process, promotion or not, makes you a better, more disciplined and knowledgeable firefighter. All of us who wrote expected to feel this elation upon completion but now we're all in a waiting game, a holding pattern until they release the results next month. I think I did well and the only thing that might hold me back is my seniority... I am somewhere in the middle of the pack and the mark is based on a combination of percentage achieved on the exam and years of service. So we shall see.

So now I am back to the land of the living and feel like I suddenly have time on my hands again. I am less snippy with the children and my husband. And it feels so good to just be present with my family. My mind isn't cluttered trying to hold all the information in. Spring is here. I have the fever.

First shift back after my exam I was greeted with a second alarm housefire. Happened right at shift change. And I broke one of the rules.... not a huge deal but after learning every single policy and procedure out there it felt good to be a rebel. You see, I was walking into the station at shift change and the trucks were starting up. So I literally grabbed my gear, and pulled it on over my jeans and tank top and drove the ladder to the call. And when we arrived there were flames shooting through the roof. I hesitate to say that it was a beautiful thing to see because, after all, someone's home was burning down and that is never a good thing. But the this is what we live for as firefighters....... flame. And although you can't hold it, you can see it, taste it and smell it. And hopefully consume it before it consumes you.

Yes. This is why I wrote the exam. To be able to stand in the middle of burning chaos, hopefully calm and cool as a cucumber and get things back under control.

Thanks y'all for being patient with me while I was in absentia. Lots and lots to catch up on. I will be posting pictures soon of the children. Amazing how much they can grow in six months.

In the meantime.....

buh-bye study notes... lol




hugs and love.

Still here.

I cannot believe how much I have missed posting but in my quest and journey towards being a fire captain I have had to make some tough choices on how to manage my time. In addition to life as a mom, and a full time firefighter, I have had to study 3 to 8 hours a day. Weekends I might catch an hour here or there when the kids are down for a nap. I study standing in line at the grocery store, run through the command functions in my head at the gym, and wake up muttering initial fire reports. I don't get to banter as much with the guys at work anymore because my head is buried in books, books, books. They make fun of me of course, but they understand. And they have been so supportive in helping me out anyway they can. I cannot believe how intense the past 6 months have been and how few meltdowns I have actually had considering the pace I have been running. Since mid- October, I have managed to cram over three thousand pages of information between my ears. In less than two weeks I write my exam and in three I do the fire simulator in front of a panel of district chiefs. I've decided that the way I am going to keep myself calm is to picture them in black socks and underwear. My District Chief laughs at me when I tell him how crazy it has gotten, how I can remember the most minute of details buried in a policy or bylaw. He relates. He feels my pain. He's been there. It is a right of passage. Out of the 90 candidates that originally chose to participate in the promotional process, 70 remain. Some have dropped out because of the pressure, some because of time constraints, and others because they realize that it's not a position they want. It's a position that I want though. But with only 10 positions open at this time, the competition is going to be fierce. Surprisingly I feel pretty calm about it all. I have studied all that I can study, and have given it all that I can. I am fortunate that my husband has been so supportive, along with my fire crew. My Captain lets me ride in his position and take all the calls as Incident Commander so that I can take what I've learned in theory and solidify it in my body as I do it for real. If I thought firefighting on the physical level was tough, firefighting as a Captain, is so much harder. There is more pressure, more work on the cerebral level, being the eyes and ears at a call, and completely responsible for the health and safety for each and every person at that incident who has put their trust in you to make the right call.

Promotion or no promotion, it's been a win win situation. The worst that happens is that I am exactly where I am... with a crew that I love and respect. But really, I am not exactly where I am, I am so much more enriched than before I started this process. I cannot tell you how happy I have been the past six months preparing for this exam. My confidence as a firefighter has grown as well as my respect and appreciation for those who surround me. I never understood until now how finely tuned and orchestrated an emergency scene is. It's not a bunch of guys running around with axes and hoses. There is a method and procedure that is like a dance. And to me, the power of a fire scene will always remain pure magic.

Wish me luck! xo I will keep you posted on how it goes.

life

Not sure how to even begin this post. It's one of those days where I struggle to find words that fit the feelings that I am experiencing or any emergency services worker might experience. You can run fifty calls that won't phase you and all of a sudden one type of call might haunt you for days and when you are alone and shut your eyes at night all you can see are the bad images that have been permanently etched into your brain. And this image remains sharp and as fresh as the first time until you find a way to bury it deep in the back of your head, hoping it won't resurface anytime soon. For me, the albatross I carry around my neck are the calls where people have chosen to take their own life. The other night we had such a call. And as tough as I'd like to think I am, this call was hard for me. I found myself carying the burden of the dead, getting too close emotionally trying to piece the puzzle of this person's life together and the circumstances which led to his choice and the way in which he was found was horrific. And it haunts me still. This is the type of call where in the middle of the night, when I have been tossing and turning and thinking too much, I tiptoe into my childrens' room and crawl into bed to sleep next to them. Because the only thing that can console me in those moments is having my children remind me of the most beautiful things in life. And I silently promise them that I will do everything within my power to give them a life full of joy, comfort and security so that they may never feel alone. And pray that no one ever has to feel the kind of pain that young man must have been experiencing the night we found him.

the last pound

I find it somewhat ironic that I cannot break the 150 mark. 150 pound mark that is.

You see, for some reason I have it in my head that 150 pounds is the perfect weight for me. The guys at work watch me eat with astonishment at how much I can throw back in my gullet. I have won the title as the official ice cream moocher because any leftover ice cream in the freezer from other shifts is fair game at snack time in my books. I gorged during the holiday season on blue cheese, and fruitcake and wine oh my, and could only tip the scales at 149. Not bad considering when I was nursing a ravenous Maiya I was a mere 136. That dear child sucked the life out of me. People think I am nuts for wanting to put on weight when at this time of year everyone is trying to shed it. Not me. I want to look like an amazon. I want that extra sinewy heft behind me.... the extra weight and muscle serves me well when it comes to hauling around equipment and I don't fly around like a rag doll at the end of a charged hose line. If only I could pick where the pounds went on my body. Like my boobs and bottom for instance would be nice. But alas, beggars can't be choosers. On that note.... I'm gonna find me a bedtime snack.

kajillionaire

Someone in my city just recently won 50 million dollars. As much as I think it would be neat to win the lottery, I find it hard to wrap my head around that enormous amount of cash. My husband thinks it would be amazing to win. But me, I'm not so sure. I think that amount would change who we are and the relationship we have with each other. Even though my husband loves his job, he would quit for sure. Me? I couldn't fathom quitting my job because it would be like cutting off an arm. The work I do as a firefighter is so fulfilling that I think I would feel lost without this purpose and drive. I love being a working person, making a life and living for my little family. It would certainly change the relationship with people around us. I can't imagine the people who would come out of the woodwork to get a piece of the pie. And at work, I think I would definitely be treated differently. And why would I want that when I've worked all these years to fit in?

I would worry that my children would turn into self-entitled Paris Hiltons. I shudder at the thought. But honestly, our lives are pretty happy and comfortable just as things are right now.

That being said, I do get in with the guys at work to buy tickets. 50 million divided by 10 crew mates would be fun, and still keep us all honest. The guys close enough to retirement could do so early, and people like me, well, sure a bigger home would be nice or a no-holds barred vacation once a year. And a bit of money to put aside for the kids' college fund. Oh, and a pair of Prada shoes might be nice as well. ;)

ciao 2010

It's hard to believe another year has flown by. I still can't wrap my head around how quickly time goes. It's been exactly one year since I have been back after my second maternity leave and I have to say, I am more enthusiastic about my job than I have ever been. I find it quite amusing that my very first shift as a firefighter was on Christmas day (first call ever was an elevator rescue) and my very first shift back from mat leave was New Year's Eve (peeling drunks off the floor). As most of you know, I LOVE working during the holidays because there is that vibe of anticipation of emergencies that seem to mark these days. As I sit and type, I can hear the fire engines from the station near our home race by and there is a part of me that wishes I was on the trucks tonight. But alas, I just finished shift this morning and they don't let you work 48 hours straight. ;)

The best thing about work is going to work. And the best thing about work is coming back home. I love walking in seeing my children still in their pj's and tousled hair. I love seeing their faces light up while saying 'mama!' as they run towards my outstretched arms. I don't know if it is them or me who runs into each other the fastest. Maiya is at the age now where she 'gets it'. She doesn't always want to listen to what I have to say but at least she can understand my point of view. She continues to be fearless and independent, strong willed and silly at the same time. Jacob is the peacekeeper, the thinker, the gentle, sensitive being. Jacob captured my heart, Maiya healed my soul. They have made me look at myself and the world in a whole new way.

This decade has been incredible. And a somewhat modern fairytale... I met my husband, became a firefighter, had two babies, and finally started seeing the forest for the trees. Being a firefighting mother has sped my life up to warp speed yet at the same time has helped me to slow down in the best of ways. I no longer feel like I have to push my body to the limit, but rather believe in its strength. I no longer worry about what is around the corner but enjoy what I have now. And I have stopped giving a rat's ass what people think of me because it's only how I feel about myself that really matters along with honouring my family and children. It's been a journey of self-discovery, and certainly not an easy path, but it's been deep and fulfilling nonetheless.

I won't be ringing in the new year only because my eyelids feel like they weigh a ton and I don't imagine I will be able to stay awake till then. But I wanted to wish everyone the best of all good things that are to come.

From my family to yours, may 2011 be full of happiness and growth, peace, health and love. It is my wish that life keeps on getting better and better xo

love

For someone who has always had an uneasy feeling around Christmastime (and who has been dubbed this year as the official Scrooge at work), I was pleasantly surprised to have one of the best Christmases I recall. It was lovely watching Jacob and Maiya open their presents, believing as children do that Santa and his reindeer came to make their special delivery and eat the milk and cookies and carrots for them. And amazing watching my normally sibling rivaled children play quietly together for hours and then visiting extended family later in the afternoon. It was fun playing out in the snow. But my favourite gift, apart from my children's smiles, was opening my inbox and finding a beautifully written email from a friend who moved to Hong Kong about a year ago. I miss her dearly and thinking of her made me remember what this holiday is all about.... it's about connecting with people you love....even if it is only via a few cyberspace paragraphs. So this Christmas is for you Jo, and for all the people I love that I can't be with, either because of proximity or because they are no longer part of this realm.... Happiest of holidays. xoxoxo

Grinchy

There's always something about this time of year that makes me a bit Grinchy. Perhaps it's the incessant Muzak Christmas carols that play at every store you walk into. Perhaps it's because people look stressed out all the time from the shopping. Perhaps it's because everyone seems to be driving like maniacs... and I don't even want to think about the drunk drivers that may be out there after imbibing too much spiked eggnog. Perhaps because there are moments when I feel utterly hopeless about the fact that in a country as great as ours there are children who go hungry everyday and a little piece of my heart breaks if I think about this too much. I detest the overconsumption, the consumerism, the craziness of Chistmas. Up to the moment I had children, I always took the Chistmas shift because the firehouse is my haven, a place without the pressure of the holidays, where you can break bread without having to wear that horrible sweater aunt so-and-so gave you. And where maybe you can help someone in their time of need. Half the time the calls we get at Chistmas are from people who are alone or just lonely. These are the people I want to be with because I feel like they need me the most.

Despite my bah-humbugness, I do believe that there is something magical about this time of year... I get to reflect on the amazing things that have come into my life which I am so grateful for and sometimes I wonder what a girl like me ever did to deserve two beautiful children and an incredibly supportive husband. I am grateful for my firefighting family who always has my back and are like blood brothers to me. I am grateful for the sense of community they give me, the feeling of safety and security and the bond of friendship that comes through doing what we do for a living.

Perhaps this is why I personally don't need Christmas. It's here everyday when I see my little family and everyday I step into work.

Peace and love. xo

I know, I know.....

.... it's been EONS since I've posted. No excuse really apart from the fact I have my nose buried in the books studying for this Acting Captain's exam. Only four more months of this and I will have a semblance of normalcy back in my life. Every spare minute I have I dive into my textbooks and my notes. I can honestly say I have read over 3500 pages of material. Reading it I find easy. Assimilating it into my brain is a different thing. I think one of the reasons I haven't been blogging is that I am afraid that if I let my creative juices flow, I will lose all the fire facts, functions of command and all the policies and procedures I currently have crammed in my head and trying trying to desperately keep from falling out of my ears. So please forgive me in advance if I don't get on here much between now and E day. This mommy brain is definitely overloaded. All I can say is thank goodness I love, love, love the material I am learning. No way would I engage months of my life into this otherwise.

very late

Nope, not pregnant. (thank goodness!)


Just late.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Finally getting around to posting a Hallowe'en picture.


It was a ton of fun apart from Maiya's initial meltdown when she didn't want to wear her wings.


Jacob was thrilled to be Bob the Builder again and Maiya, once she got her wings off was happy to just romp through the neighbourhood. Nothing much more to say except that I am grateful for the neighbours that gave out stickers, crayons, playdough and little toys instead of candy. Thankfully Jacob was happy to give most of his candy away to the share with the 'firemen' at work and Maiya forgot about her stash altogether.

birthday

It was my daughter's birthday this weekend and while I expected to be a bit sad at the fact that she is growing up so quickly, I am actually quite excited by the fact that she is two! Except for the fact she has started her wicked tantrums. Jacob's only lasted a few months when he was that age so I am hoping her terrible two's won't last too long. It's all par for the course I suppose.... being part of children's developmental stage. But still, when she starts freaking out over something seemingly mundane I just want it to head for the hills. I have found out the best thing with Maiya is to just walk away to another room. And she sorts herself out within a few minutes. I find it interesting that when Jacob was that age I had to coddle and cajole to calm him down but Maiya just wants her space to be left alone. Kind of like me when I get upset.

I find it interesting how my children, apart from one being a boy and the other being a girl, are so inherently different in personalities. Jacob is the gentle, sensitive old soul, who sees things well beyond his years. Maiya is the willful, independent child and she keeps me on my toes. Where Jacob is the hope for the future, Maiya is the one who heals my past. I understand my mother a bit better now, in the decisions she made in raising me.... sometimes only being able to make a decision out of necessity instead of choice. I finally understand a mother's pain, sadness, and let's not forget fatigue. It scares me sometimes that I will never be able to completely protect them from broken hearts and life's disappointments. But as a mother, there is also that oh so pure, unadulterated joy....like when my son first looked into my eyes when he was born, and when I giggle when my daughter is up to her impish antics because she reminds me of me.

I won't lie. It hasn't been easy balancing life with a career and children. And there are days when I pine for my single days. But every mother out there can attest to the fact that life would certainly not be as rich and colourful without our children. Because like I said, they are the hope for the future, and they heal our past.

xo

just gross

I'm not a person who gets grossed out easily. I can deal with death in every shape (or mishape) and form, blood, guts, vomit, poop, you name it. I might flinch a little on the inside but generally I can hold my own and very little will phase me. The other day at work however, I nearly ran away screaming when I saw this:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


It was my crew mate's breakfast. Oatmeal with peanut m&m's mixed in. G-R-OSS.

in charge

Well, ran my first call and Incident Commander..... lol. Now it's not as 'official' as it sounds. What happened was that we had a rush of calls that weren't too serious in nature so my Captain, on the way to a grassfire said 'Here's the radio, you're in charge and get to it'. So I did. :)

I took command and hit the appropriate benchmarks and when all was said and done, terminated command. Only stuttered maybe once or twice. I think the most nerve wracking thing was talking into that blasted radio. I've done it a million times as a driver but it's different when you're at the helm and dispatch is hanging onto every word. Also knowing that my colleagues and any member of the public with a scanner can listen in on the call gave me a bit of stage fright. But my crewmates were really supportive and I'm just happy that my Captain gave me the opportunity to practice taking command. Just like becoming a firefighter, becoming an officer doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, experience and a support network of great mentors. I realized one thing at this call as an 'officer' that it's really hard to step back and just take charge of the call without doing the grunt work. I kept wanting to jump in to hit the hydrant, pull the hose, grab a shovel. But I didn't because it's impossible to oversee the entire situation that way. It made me realize how different that position is and that if I ever do get to that point of sitting in the front seat, how much I will miss being a 'boot'. But in the meantime, it's nice to have a taste of 'the other side'..... gives me whole lot of respect for the Captains who keep us safe at calls. Especially at those calls where everything seems to be blowing up simultaneously.