and we begin again....

I'm back for a wee bit! With the holidays approaching and life in the fast lane with my two beautiful and growing children, I thought I had better pop in here for a hot minute and say hello. ;) My Captain's exam process begins in April and culminates in May. Looking forward to getting the dang exams over with and getting my full fledged Captain's stripes soon thereafter. :). So my nose is buried again in books and study notes. Time management is the issue these days. The children are five and seven now and so much more independent but now there are soccer and swimming and gymnastic lessons to add to the mix. And the older one wants to play the piano and the little one wants to play the electric drums of course. ;) I've settled into my new station quite well after they blew up my previous crew because of some interesting 'politicking' manoeuvers. I must say after the initial shock of losing my crew that I had grown to love, my new crew is strong and capable and it is working out just fine. As with anything, it takes a bit of time for things to adjust. Speaking of which, I am single again and even though I never thought I'd say this, I am quite relieved. You see, it turns out I had fallen madly in love with the idea of having a 'family' again, instead of falling in love with eyes open and seeing the man before me for who is actually was. Now I would like to think that I am a strong sensible woman and usually I am. But when it comes to matters of the heart I can easily be misguided by wanting something so badly that I don't see the forest for the trees. Luckily I listened to that little voice in my head and said enough is enough after the third (or fourth or fifth....geez) he lost his cool on me. Without getting into gory details I realized I was dealing with a fellow who had this. *deep breath here*. http://www.slideshare.net/jenimawter/red-flags-to-narcissistic-personality-disorder-compiled-by-jeni-mawter I realized through all of this I was still grieving the loss of my marriage and wanted so badly to recreate a reasonable facsimile, but then realized how unreasonable this idea was. Because you see, me and the children are enough. We aren't lacking anything. I am enough. I know who I am and will not have a lover undermine my fortitude and resilience. My children's father is present in their lives and is a terrific dad and we are becoming the good friends we ought to have been in our marriage. So life is good. And recalibrated. Besides, I have my study notes to keep me warm this winter ;)and beautiful friends and rocks I can still climb and fires to put out and children who are my greatest blessings. It's good to stand my ground and be on my own two feet. It's about time I own that. xo

more new beginnings

Not only did I suffer the loss of my little family being split through divorce, I have had to watch my fire crew getting picked off and moved to different stations, myself included. The repercussions on morale have been indescribable. Almost like a divorce, there is this sense of shock, denial, pain, feeling of rejection. And grief from the separation. The higher powers that be in this paramilitary system called the fire department decided it was time to split up my crew..... one that has worked incredibly  well together for so long. But with every challenge, there is a silver lining. Time marches on and we realize, well at least I do, that there are new adventures to be had even if it means we are scared shitless of what lies in the unknown. And that the only way to stop feeling afraid is to put one foot in front of the other even if you really don't feel like it sometimes.

*guilt*

Been feeling sad that I haven't been faithful to my little blog but my lame reason is that my computer is fried and I can't seem to figure out how to blog from my iphone. I get inspired to write and put my myriad of musings in to the 'notes' section of my phone but can't seem to get the dang info onto the blog. So my notes sit there, trapped in this small 3 x 5 inch piece of technology for all of eternity. I try to blog from work if I get a break but inevitably when I do someone walks into my office and I quickly pull the page down from the screen as if I was some furtive teenage boy caught looking at porn. You see, what I write here is usually painfully private which mystifies me as to why I choose to share it. It's more the work colleague sharing thing that I worry about. I mean, what would they think? Would they still respect me for my vulnerability? Would they see me as a leader anymore? Or would they appreciate me just the same or perhaps even more because I have shown pieces of my heart and soul? Or would they shut me out for not being superhuman anymore? I have learned a big lesson over the summer while on vacation with a man I have fallen in love with. Which is totally scary and exhilirating but a whole other post for another day. We had a fight because I fell off a lead climb that I should not have been on in the first place. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I messed up and just wanted to hold it together. He was quite upset that I deflected how frightened I was. And pointed out I shouldn't try to be brave when clearly I am feeling terrified. And that I should back off when I am in over my head. Instead of seeing that he was there for me and just trying to be supportive, and that he was just plain scared for me, I had a bit on an existential meltdown and started quistioning who I was, what I stood for, and wondered if I was a terrible fake or a fantastic actress putting up a front to the world that yes, I AM FINE. Even if I am not. :( I literally cried in front of him. All.Day.Long. In the mountains in one of the most beautiful places in Canada. We did not climb for days afterwards. I was paralyzed with fear and grieved and sobbed. I sobbed for so many reasons: the guilt of not being with my children in while in the mountains(even though I was with them for over 2 weeks straight on vacation just prior). That my mother doesn't understand me. That my sister will never be close to me. That I cannot show weakness in front of my father. I cried a torrent of tears to the point my eyes were like puffballs. I questioned whether or not I should be a captain because in the culture of firefighting one cannot admit to being scared because it is seen as a sign of weakness and can be unsettling to those looking to their commander for direction. I questioned my ability to love in a relationship because if I showed the weak parts of me then would I be loved by this fellow I fell head over heels with and who my children adore? I cried. And it felt horrible. And it was terrifying for me. Because I have not lost my cool like that in so many, many years. We were both very rattled and inside I was like "well... you wanted to see me vulnerable. You just got more that you bargained for mister' But the beauty of it was because he loves me he did not walk away. He did not hate me or think less of me. Yes he was rattled. Yes he was a bit shell shocked. But in that moment he was patient and loving. And this was an epiphany because I realized I have not been patient nor kind to myself. I am my own worst critic and beat myself up for my misgivings. Which is not loving to my soul. And through my crisis it reaffirmed my need to treat myself like I would my best friend. And to get down on my knees and thank the universe for bringing this man into my life who has the courage to speak his mind to me because he wants to go the distance and get to know and love all the parts of me. Even the broken ones.

letting go

I have decided to finally live in a conscious loving relationship. Which is something I have never done before in a romantic relationship my entire life. Not even during my marriage which led to my subsequent divorce.  I was a master of self-sabotage which befuddles me somewhat but also makes perfect sense to those who know me and who know what has wounded me deeply in the past.  But to continue living a self-protective arms-length distance from love just doesn't serve me anymore. So here I go world. And here I go Mike. I'm here. I'm present. My heart is wide open. And I thank you for your strength, your patience, and of course, your love.

tired to the bone

I used to think motherhood was hard. It isn't really. You feed the children, bathe them, nurture, teach them right from wrong......  It's all quite simple really. But inasmuch motherhood isn't hard, it's freaking relentless. Especially when outnumbered two kids to one me.  A hamster wheel of sorts. Or groundhog day. Or a box of chocolates where you never know what you're gonna get with their moods, their sleep patterns, foods they live on one day and dislike the next.

Today my neck and back hurt from wearing my air pack longer than I cared to last shift so I am crawling back to bed and just gonna hibernate for awhile. At least until school pickup anyway.  Mama bear is tired today.

sending my admiration

It's a tumultuous day weather-wise here in the city with Mama Nature's outbursts changing from one moment of calm, to rain, hail and thunderstorms the next. Then sunshine again before another cloudburst hits. I find it quite ironic or quite fitting that this kind of unpredictable weather happens to be on Mother's Day. I realize that my days (my life really) is moment to moment. And very unpredictable but soothing in the sense that storms will pass and I won't be in the dark forever if at times it feels as such. So I take the moments of sunshine and joy and run full tilt with them when I can. My kids are at that competitive age with each other so I spend a lot of my time playing referee which is no fun at all. I've surrendered to the fact that motherhood is relentless but thankfully not that difficult. I've been blessed in so many ways even though I miss having an intact family. There are times I do feel isolated, not having a man around the house or a shoulder to cry on, or strong arms to run home to after a particularly hard shift. But it's all par for the course and perhaps one day, in due time, my idea of a modern family might fall into place. At least I haven't given up on the hope.  :)

I just wanted to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there. Especially the single mothers. The single mothers out there. I send you my love and support.  

:(

Dating.Sucks.

Enough said.

*cry*

When I asked what my four-year-old kindergartener did at school yesterday, she coolly replied 'We had lockdown practice, mama.'. I could have cried. Maiya, in her still lispy vernacular, explained to me that they had to lie down on the floor while the teacher closed the curtains and locked the door. I am pretty sure she didn't understand what a lockdown procedure was actually for, but I suppose I am relieved that she knows what to do if ever it were necessary, blissfully unaware of the magnitude of it  all.

Sigh.

I still believe the world is a good place.

I have to.

ack

Just saw that I've only posted ONCE so far this year!

Well twice now. ;)

delinquent

I know I've been completely MIA. Been a loooooong winter and it was bloody hailing today with an inch of slush on the ground.

Been doing lots of soul-searching and self-discovery. This winter was a particularly difficult one with 2 new rookies (one of whom hasn't been getting the hang of the job).  And a crewmate senior to me in tenure but junior to me in rank is proving to be a major pain in the ass with his negativity and lack of moral courage.   It's been one of the biggest challenges I've had to face in a leadership role.

Been physically exhausted. February was the worst with a cold that lasted 3 weeks. And the single mom thing has me running ragged at times. But I try to live 5 minutes at a time. Meaning if I can get through the next 5 minutes I will be fine.

I've been dating this fella. I find the whole thing interesting.   Have no clue  how dating is  'supposed' to be done. But hey, 5 minutes at a time.

On a milestone note, my birthday is this weekend. Lots of friends and family coming over so I'm pretty excited about that. Especially excited because the kids are excited. Parties are always better with my children there to share in the experience.

I've started studying for my full-fledged Captain's exam even though it's not for another year till I write. But this way it will seem less daunting if I stay active in the books.

What else?  Just living life, climbing, still discovering myself and tryin to find calm when I can.

I promise I will be here more. I have missed sitting down wih my thoughts.

xo