There is nothing like a post-shift soak in the bathtub with a bowl of Ben and Jerry's red velvet cake ice cream to wash away the emotions I feel. Which often seem to pop up at work and percolate in my head the rest of the shift and the entire commute back until I can sort these feelings out in the refuge of my own home. Don't get me wrong, I love my job... it's just that on some days, like yesterday, I am pretty touched and affected by the humanity I feel at calls. And when I come home, I just yearn to be held tight for as long as it takes until I believe that everything and everyone is ok.... especially me.
I have learned to allow myself to be vulnerable. Which is scary and terrifying and liberating. My knee-jerk reaction during times of duress is to act like I'm tough and strong. Invincible. This has served me well in places such as my work, where command presence is necessary. But in moments of solitude, with those who I trust and hold dear, I have allowed a bit of my softness to peek through instead of hiding behind a wall of false bravado. I am learning to let myself be raw and feel everything even though it might be scary to feel it if that makes any sense at all. I am learning to be ok with stretching myself to grow even if it might feel uncomfortable and not having any tangible or concrete answers I can hold in my hand. I am able to admit that not knowing what my future holds can be scary as shit but at the same time, I feel calm and poised because I have finally let go of my past need for control, and just see how my life's story will unfold. As long as I continue to live with my heart wide open, whatever direction the wind decides to take me, it will be the right one. xo