Instead of trying to be happy, I look for moments of happiness throughout the day. Today my children and I found a lavendar bush in the heart of downtown so that was something to smile about. Some days the moments linger longer than others. Other days I have to dig really deep. I will dig all the way to China if I have to, anything to stop me from falling into the abyss of depression. I keep telling myself that I am in a tunnel, not a hole. And at some point I will make my way through to see daylight on the other side. And although I give in to the tears, I refuse to become bitter. There is no room in my heart for that.

Time marches on.

baby steps

Feeling better today. Instead of this constant dark cloud over my head, I feel like I have moments of brightness and respite from sadness. I almost feel as if I can come out with it, speak about it without my eyes welling up with tears. Almost.

life as I don't know it

For the first time in my life I have no clue about what the future holds for me. And for the first time in this A-type personality's life, I am completely ok with it. Normally I live my life based on a spread sheet of data and goals and timelines but life has thrown a huge curve-ball at me as you know and I am still reeling from its effects. I am still processing all that's happened over the past few months and still feeling really raw and vulnerable but for the first time in as long as I can remember I am feeling hopeful and trusting in whatever the future may hold for me. For the first time I am living in the moment unable and unwilling to predict what might happen to my future. I am no longer afraid of my feelings and am able to move through the pain to feel the joy on the other side, realizing that I am in a tunnel, not a hole. I move through moments of extreme self-doubt to moments where I know I am more than ok because there is something bigger than all of us here to teach me to learn and love on an even deeper level than I have ever known.

My commitment now is to be true to myself, to be vulnerable, to give myself permission to be authentically me. This is he scariest thing I have ever had to do.... to face myself and hold myself accountable to the truth.

Still, I am not quite ready to reveal what has been going on. Because i still cant form the words to make any sense of it. To some, it might not seem to be a big deal, but for me, it's been monumental and the most pain I have ever experienced. But at the end of the day, in spite of, or despite the pain, I feel tremendous love and gratitude and consider myself the luckiest woman on this planet. It is the best feeling in the world when you can let go of the anger that has held me captive for so long.