letting go

I have decided to finally live in a conscious loving relationship. Which is something I have never done before in a romantic relationship my entire life. Not even during my marriage which led to my subsequent divorce.  I was a master of self-sabotage which befuddles me somewhat but also makes perfect sense to those who know me and who know what has wounded me deeply in the past.  But to continue living a self-protective arms-length distance from love just doesn't serve me anymore. So here I go world. And here I go Mike. I'm here. I'm present. My heart is wide open. And I thank you for your strength, your patience, and of course, your love.

tired to the bone

I used to think motherhood was hard. It isn't really. You feed the children, bathe them, nurture, teach them right from wrong......  It's all quite simple really. But inasmuch motherhood isn't hard, it's freaking relentless. Especially when outnumbered two kids to one me.  A hamster wheel of sorts. Or groundhog day. Or a box of chocolates where you never know what you're gonna get with their moods, their sleep patterns, foods they live on one day and dislike the next.

Today my neck and back hurt from wearing my air pack longer than I cared to last shift so I am crawling back to bed and just gonna hibernate for awhile. At least until school pickup anyway.  Mama bear is tired today.

sending my admiration

It's a tumultuous day weather-wise here in the city with Mama Nature's outbursts changing from one moment of calm, to rain, hail and thunderstorms the next. Then sunshine again before another cloudburst hits. I find it quite ironic or quite fitting that this kind of unpredictable weather happens to be on Mother's Day. I realize that my days (my life really) is moment to moment. And very unpredictable but soothing in the sense that storms will pass and I won't be in the dark forever if at times it feels as such. So I take the moments of sunshine and joy and run full tilt with them when I can. My kids are at that competitive age with each other so I spend a lot of my time playing referee which is no fun at all. I've surrendered to the fact that motherhood is relentless but thankfully not that difficult. I've been blessed in so many ways even though I miss having an intact family. There are times I do feel isolated, not having a man around the house or a shoulder to cry on, or strong arms to run home to after a particularly hard shift. But it's all par for the course and perhaps one day, in due time, my idea of a modern family might fall into place. At least I haven't given up on the hope.  :)

I just wanted to dedicate this post to all the mothers out there. Especially the single mothers. The single mothers out there. I send you my love and support.