Vegas baby!

I have 10 guilt free mom days coming up next month. Jake and Maiya will be traveling with their dad to England. So it's Vegas for this gal. Not for gambling mind you, but for climbing the big walls of The Red Rock canyon. I have this dream of sleeping in a bivouac a thousand feet up in the air. We shall see what adventures this trip brings.............

Flying out to meet a friend who climbs strong and steady and knows the crag well.  I can't wait to feel the desert sun on my back and kiss the ground and the sandstone and the sky.  And on my rest days I will sleep by the pool and maybe go for a walk along the Vegas strip and watch all the weird freaky gamblers.  In any event, it will be quite the experience because there is nothing like the feeling of free climbing...... Because while I climb, everything washes away... My mind  becomes so still and focused and calm. It is pure joy. Plain and simple.

And whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Lol

Can't stinking wait.

sigh

Funny how emotions can turn on a dime.
I just woke up from a much needed nap and just felt sad all of a sudden. My kids are in school and my home feels empty. And I feel more than slightly alone. I am not ok in this moment. And I guess it's about time I admit that it's ok in not being ok. And that I don't always have to hold it together. I'll allow myself a little cry right now and a two minute pity party. Then I will head out my door and face the world and see what life brings me.....

a bit of elbow grease and a lot of heart

I did something I haven't done in years..........

I decided to do some volunteer work twice a week at a local school's hot lunch program, making sure children were fed a good, healthy meal.

By 12:30 yesterday I was elbow deep in pasta sauce, parmesan cheese and fruit salad.  Then bussed all the tables and washed and organized the never-ending pile of dishes eaten by hungry children.  I was run off my feet.  lol.  The best part of it all was meeting the women behind the program, mostly low income single mothers who wanted to make a difference in the community.  I cannot tell you how much I laughed and smiled with these women who were complete strangers to me up until a few hours when I first stepped into that kitchen.  We shared stories of our lives, of our children, of our hopes and our dreams.  One mom rocked her one-year-old in his stroller while she prepped food.... she also had a 23-year-old and two children in between.  Another mom told me how she left her drug addicted husband and was now piecing her life back together but had the triumph of winning full custody of her children.  Another mom giggled non-stop and asked me a myriad of questions of the firemen I worked with, and if they could come and help out in the kitchen too.  I cannot tell you how safe I felt in that humid little kitchen in the basement of that building.  It reminded me that no matter our background, we were all mothers who loved our children dearly.  And in doing so, in experiencing that fierce, fierce love, it gives us that capacity and strength to make this world a better place in our own special way.  This day reminded me how lucky I am to be a woman.  Because women get to experience the beating of their child's heart beneath their own as it grows inside their belly.  And it continues to do so, on good days and the bad ones, beating steady and strong................

So I will have to remind myself on those sleepless nights when I am tossing and turning worrying about our future, I just have to remember that the future will take care of itself and to just breathe and savour the now.

love

First day back on the trucks after a marvelous 5 week summer holiday.

I cannot tell you how good it feels to be back in my blues and give hugs to the guys.

Whatever calls we get today, bring it on.

I'm home. xo

holy crap

Just received a text from a crewmate that our colleague from another shift got hit in the face by an exploding tire at a car fire. Ambulance took him away, face black and blue. :(
Thankfully nothing was broken and just has a bunch of stitches on his chin and will be taking some time off till he heals.  So much for his perfect George Clooney face.  I called him up (firefighter mate... not George Clooney lol) and told him glad he's ok and not to worry too much about his good looks since chicks dig scars.

I hate close calls. Sends chills down my spine. To everyone on shift tonight, be safe. I couldn't bear the thought of anything happening to any of you.

unspoken words

As a single woman, the thing I miss the most is saying the words "I love you".  To say "I love you" with every fibre of your body is the sweetest thing of all.  It is a melding of the body, the mind, and the spirit that is quiet yet powerful at the same time.  I feel this love.  And I want to give it to someone.  Because like all humans, we have it to give and share and receive back of course.

I say 'I love you" everyday to my children but that is different of course.

Alas.  Still healing and learning about myself so in due time..............  and I won't settle for anything less so I am willing to wait.....

xo

ghost ache

On milestone days like today, being the first day of school, I miss my intact family unit. I do not miss my marriage but I miss what my idea of marriage was supposed to be. However, simply put, it was not, so no point in crying over spilled milk. We still work as a team, because to raise children it takes a village and thankfully, we have the maturity and insight to not let our past hurts and woes play on our kids. After all, they did not choose for their parents to split. So we will do everything in our power to give them the most stable upbringing as possible. I hope Jacob and Maiya know that they are surrounded by love wherever they go and that our adult choices are not a reflection of their self-worth. I truly believe as a result of the marital unit breaking up we are all happier and more at peace with ourselves. We can now create the life we want instead of living the million have to's that we ridiculously seemed to have imposed on each other. I have said this in the past, and I will say it here again, sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go..... even if vows were spoken.... so that they can follow their heart and catch their bliss.  Even if that means that bliss doesn't include me.  And I am ok with that.  Because my bliss is me.... embracing my life for everything that it is and realizing me and my children are not missing out on anything for what it is not.

a shout out...

... to all the women in my life thank you for giving me insight and wisdom. And to the men in my life thank you for teaching me how to love......

And my quest and journey continues in living with passion and happiness and getting closer and less afraid of my own heart and soul.  To have the courage to push and believe that I am deserving of all my dreams and desires.

So this post is for all my family and friends, and people whom I have yet to meet but who will surely touch my life one way or another.