life

Not sure how to even begin this post. It's one of those days where I struggle to find words that fit the feelings that I am experiencing or any emergency services worker might experience. You can run fifty calls that won't phase you and all of a sudden one type of call might haunt you for days and when you are alone and shut your eyes at night all you can see are the bad images that have been permanently etched into your brain. And this image remains sharp and as fresh as the first time until you find a way to bury it deep in the back of your head, hoping it won't resurface anytime soon. For me, the albatross I carry around my neck are the calls where people have chosen to take their own life. The other night we had such a call. And as tough as I'd like to think I am, this call was hard for me. I found myself carying the burden of the dead, getting too close emotionally trying to piece the puzzle of this person's life together and the circumstances which led to his choice and the way in which he was found was horrific. And it haunts me still. This is the type of call where in the middle of the night, when I have been tossing and turning and thinking too much, I tiptoe into my childrens' room and crawl into bed to sleep next to them. Because the only thing that can console me in those moments is having my children remind me of the most beautiful things in life. And I silently promise them that I will do everything within my power to give them a life full of joy, comfort and security so that they may never feel alone. And pray that no one ever has to feel the kind of pain that young man must have been experiencing the night we found him.

the last pound

I find it somewhat ironic that I cannot break the 150 mark. 150 pound mark that is.

You see, for some reason I have it in my head that 150 pounds is the perfect weight for me. The guys at work watch me eat with astonishment at how much I can throw back in my gullet. I have won the title as the official ice cream moocher because any leftover ice cream in the freezer from other shifts is fair game at snack time in my books. I gorged during the holiday season on blue cheese, and fruitcake and wine oh my, and could only tip the scales at 149. Not bad considering when I was nursing a ravenous Maiya I was a mere 136. That dear child sucked the life out of me. People think I am nuts for wanting to put on weight when at this time of year everyone is trying to shed it. Not me. I want to look like an amazon. I want that extra sinewy heft behind me.... the extra weight and muscle serves me well when it comes to hauling around equipment and I don't fly around like a rag doll at the end of a charged hose line. If only I could pick where the pounds went on my body. Like my boobs and bottom for instance would be nice. But alas, beggars can't be choosers. On that note.... I'm gonna find me a bedtime snack.

kajillionaire

Someone in my city just recently won 50 million dollars. As much as I think it would be neat to win the lottery, I find it hard to wrap my head around that enormous amount of cash. My husband thinks it would be amazing to win. But me, I'm not so sure. I think that amount would change who we are and the relationship we have with each other. Even though my husband loves his job, he would quit for sure. Me? I couldn't fathom quitting my job because it would be like cutting off an arm. The work I do as a firefighter is so fulfilling that I think I would feel lost without this purpose and drive. I love being a working person, making a life and living for my little family. It would certainly change the relationship with people around us. I can't imagine the people who would come out of the woodwork to get a piece of the pie. And at work, I think I would definitely be treated differently. And why would I want that when I've worked all these years to fit in?

I would worry that my children would turn into self-entitled Paris Hiltons. I shudder at the thought. But honestly, our lives are pretty happy and comfortable just as things are right now.

That being said, I do get in with the guys at work to buy tickets. 50 million divided by 10 crew mates would be fun, and still keep us all honest. The guys close enough to retirement could do so early, and people like me, well, sure a bigger home would be nice or a no-holds barred vacation once a year. And a bit of money to put aside for the kids' college fund. Oh, and a pair of Prada shoes might be nice as well. ;)