introspection

I am still in that post-exam haze where I am finally able to allow myself to feel the myriad of emotions that I have been suppressing for a long time. Funny how the distraction of an exam can make you push thoughts and feelings away. Right now, I am still on cloud nine, enjoying my beautiful children who I have neglected somewhat with my head up in the fire department policy and procedure clouds. Anxiety is starting to hit me as well knowing that I will probably be leaving my crew within the next month or two. Although I feel happy about the promotion, I feel this like I am forced to break up with these people I have grown to know and love, who have become such a part of my life. A part of my life I never want to let go. And I feel like a baby bird being kicked out the nest even though I am not sure I know how to fly. This melancholy, mixed with the spring rain, makes me feel like I've aged a billion years, making me ponder and feel much more poetic than I could possibly imagine myself to be.

I think people for the most part might think I am a bit crazy. I am intense and can't shut it off. My sister always accuses me of this but I can't help it. I have deep burning questions on what makes people tick, why we do things to each other, why it is so much easier for mankind to gravitate towards hate instead of love. Why we are so hell bent on destroying the planet and each other. But in all this I am hopeful. I believe in old souls and a power that is bigger than all of us. I believe in chaos theory. I believe in reality i believe in dreams. I believe in you. I believe in me. And I believe in all of us. More than anything I believe in all of us. And the basic human need for love and self worth and happiness and validation, and just plain old fitting in.

And I pray that I fit in with the next crew I am assigned to. Thank goodness I have my children to keep my feet planted on the ground and keep me sane. Without them i would be nothing. I don't think I felt unconditional love before in my life until I birthed my son from my body. I don't think I grew up and became a woman until I had them. As their hearts grew in me and beat in rhythm beneath mine, they became a part of me and it's the closest I have come to feeling peace in my tumultuous mind.

But firefighting brings me peace too. Amidst the sirens, and the smoke and the screams, it gives me a framework of who I am. I do wish I could turn back the clock in so many ways. I do wish I had the chance to taste this thing called fire when I was twenty instead of thirty. And now, here I am at just over 40. I do wish I could be so much more to this profession. I think in so many ways firefighters around the world have a connection that is deep and so profound because we are on the exact same journey with almost the exact same stories to tell. There is this connection that hits me in the core of my soul.

It has made me believe in possibility.

OMG

Results of the exam were released yesterday and I am still in a state of shock.
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I placed first.

I do not take credit for it because it was all due to the amazing collective energy of the people around me. There is no way I could have done it without them.

I am still in disbelief. And so very relieved I could cry. Looking back I don't know where I found the strength, the time, or the energy. I think it was my sheer stubbornness, fear of failing, pragmatism, and pure old fashioned adrenaline that got me through. Oh.... and a lot of ice cream. Post exam, there was a feeling of elation.... but now I feel a bit lost..... as I am trying to reconnect with all the things that I have put on the backburner. It's like this huuuuuge whoosh of concentrated energy that I am finally allowing to leave my body. I can breathe again. And look at my family with clear and present eyes instead of running through hundreds of pages of notes through my head simultaneously. There's a lot more levity at work now since I can focus on the learning through experience and application now. Before it was just learning through study. Now it's time to cement everything I have learned into my body. It's one thing to read about command presence, and another thing to embody it. This will come with time I hope.

So I get my promotion. :) Exactly when, I don't know. I am hoping it won't be until Christmas because I am not quite ready to leave the nest and the comfort that my crew gives me. I want to spend the summer with them, and gain the experience and the confidence so that when the time comes for me to move on up to the front seat and switch stations, I will be ready.

I look back at how terrified I was of everyone and everything when I was a rookie. The trucks seemed too big and I seemed so small and naive in comparison. And now, ten years later I have grown up in this fire family and have found my place.... as both a woman on the job, and most of all as a plain old firefighter. I could have not done this without all the encouragement, love and support of the boys and girls in blue, and my immediate family who gave me my space when I was in the middle of my studying 'crazies'.

I think my proudest moment was when the most alpha of alpha males congratulated me yesterday. I was a pipsqueak compared to his large and looming shadow. Now, I might just allow myself to turn my squeak into a a little bit of a roar.

To the firemen at my station, thank you for taking over the majority of chores and cooking while I've been holed up in the back room swallowed in a sea of books and paper. To the senior mates who passed on their years of knowledge and wisdom. To my husband who gave me my space, to my kids for watching mommy become the best she can be. To my girlfriends who have been the best shoulders to cry on and laugh with....... I give you my love and blessings. I am so grateful for everyone's support. xoxoxox