week deux

I'm on week two of my vacay. It is so hard not being on shift today. I know I'm an addict because soon as I am away from the firehall I start to get the jitters and start jonesing for the smell of cinders and ashes and the wail of the sirens. I miss my brotherhood. And I'll be darned if they go and have a three alarm without me today!

my continuing journey

I don't think I truly thought this whole firefighting thing through when I decided to take on this job. One of my blessings that is also a curse is that I don't think too far into the future and I make decisions based in the now. This helps me in the fact that I don't worry too much about what's going to happen a decade from now, but is also a hinderance because my choices can create some problems. For example, I am not the first female firefighter who is a mother, nor will I be the last. But I have to say that it has been a challenge and a juggle and I have had to make a lot of compromises in my life. It is not easy being a woman in the fire service. The gals I know on the job make it look easy but trust me, it's not. It is certainly fun and satisfying in so many ways but it is a tough, challenging job that takes its toll the more years you have under your belt. I pray menopause doesn't hit me for another 10 years and osteoperosis never kicks in. There are days that, mentally and physically, I do not thrive. As much as I am determined to keep my two 'lives' of motherhood and firefighting apart, recently, my two worlds have been colliding and I have been spinning on my axis at warp speed. I have been bringing my job home which is something I rarely ever do. Some of the calls have hung over me like a dark cloud and some decisions made at the scene by others have left me shaking my head in frustration and left me irritable beyond words. Normally I doff my firefighting job the minute I don my civilian clothes. And normally when I get to work I can push aside the responsibilities I have at home and just enjoy my 24 hour tour at work. But lately home 'stuff' has been nagging me: I've been snapping at my husband and children and feeling resentful at the lack of 'me' time. I know these feelings are normal being a working mother but still...... there are some days I wish I were superhuman and could do it all with a smile and nary a complaint. The guys at work can see the wrinkles beginning to fracture my face. At least I can talk to them about what I feel. They've been a great sounding board.

Not sure why I'm writing this post but perhaps it's because I met a gal who was bubbling over with enthusiasm about wanting to become a firefighter. I was faced with making the decision of telling her the truth of the uphill climb and struggles she will face or of painting a rosy picture. I could tell her the benefits are great, uniforms cool, shifts are decent, or I could tell her she will see things that will rattle her to the core and be under physical duress that is at times unbearable and the intensity of the heat and physical exertion will make you want to throw up in your mask. I decided to tell her my truth... that firefighting is as much a part of me as the children I birthed and the air I breathe. And that I have fire for blood. I told her my truth because looking back a decade ago, I was exactly this young woman. And nothing would have stopped me anyway no matter what anyone could have told me because my journey to becoming a firefighting mother was my own to discover.

roller coaster ride of emotions

I'm in a bad way today. Maybe because my back is killing me from being stupid and lifting some dumbass weights the wrong way. Maybe because as always, I never get enough sleep and can't even put a dent on my spring cleaning even though the summer is almost over. Maybe because I saw one maggot too many on a rotting carcass as I was finishing up shift this morning. Maybe because I am still haunted by a call at our station..... the guys on my previous shift responded to a drowning. It was a hot afternoon church bbq/pool party when a guest noticed a boy at the bottom of the pool. Police/fire/paramedics arrived and worked on this little guy as his mother was trying to drag him away to the safety of her arms, as if holding him could make everything better. Paramedics got a pulse back and he was rushed to hospital then was airlifted to critical care. I am not even sure how to write this because the emotions are so raw. The attending paramedic came by later to our station to give an update and said that the child no longer has brain activity and his organ function is gone. And mom cannot say goodbye and shut off life support. So there he lies quietly in his hospital bed and the only noise is the whoosh of the ventilaor machines and the beep, beep, beeping. He is alive, but at the same time not. Forgive me for being so graphic. But some calls I can process. This one I am not so sure. My heart hurts so much for this mother that I don't even know.

I want to cry. But I can't. So I write. Her little boy is the same age as my son.... four. My Jacob, who in moments will be bursting through the door like a sunshine tornado. I finally understand what my own mother means when she says that it's good for children to be loud and jump around because that's what they are supposed to do.

Extra hugs and kisses and 'I love you's' tonight... that is for sure.

But my day hasn't been completely terrible. A crewmate that I worked with just received a new heart! This firefighter caught some weird virus that damaged his heart to the point it was like having an 80 year old heart stuck in his 40 year old body. It's quite possible he caught this virus on the job but it's hard to tell. In any event, he's been on disability for a few years waiting for a heart donor. And it came! And the surgery was successful! And even though he will probably never be a front-line firefighter again, he will certainly be back working for the fire department soon and be able to chase after his young daughter and enjoy many, many years with his beautiful wife.

So in some strange way, the greatest highs are able to cancel out the greatest lows. Thank goodness for that because I'd otherwise be out of my mind.

ice cream remedy

I have yet to figure out if my relationship with my crew is more akin to roommates or old married couples minus the sex. Just by constantly working and being together, we get to know each other quite well, in a bickery, intimate way. I don't know if it's the humidity but we've all been a bit grumpy with one another. Every call we had seemed to be the farthest from where we happened to be and traffic for some reason had no clue that when a fire engine is coming down the street lights and sirens you must PULL OVER AND STOP. PLEASE!!! That and the fact that we ran 5 calls after 11 pm didn't help.... especially since they were to the same place and all false alarms. I dragged my poor arse home trying not to fall asleep at the wheel.... and I slept my day off away..... from 9 am to 2:30 pm!

We all have our quirks and our moods and our idiosyncracies. Some days what one might find utterly charming, the next day it might be completely annoying. I can be abnormally sensitive to my crewmates moods. The guys know this and if I can't remedy the situation with a smile or a hug, then after the next call, while the truck is out, I'll make a stop for a huge tub of cherries jubilee ice cream. That and a big pot of coffee and us enjoying a break and some conversation gets us back to our cheerful selves in no time.

We had a big rain last night so things have cooled off, and hopefully some of the tempers..... We're back on shift tomorrow. Maybe I'll bring in a tub or two of ice cream for extra insurance. xo

firefighters have curves

I often get asked why I chose to become a firefighter when there are a plethora of jobs that are deemed more 'suitable' for a woman. The simple answer would be that I'm made for this job. I have the genetics that make me strong giving me the advantage of height and heft, I understand the physics of fire and have a knack for hydraulics and the mechanics of operating different types of fire trucks. I love working with the public and crews. You don't need to be a man to do these things well. But having said all this, there are some inherent challenges to being a female firefighter and living life in the firefighting culture:

No matter how new or how much seniority you have, as a female firefighter, you are always being watched and judged. You will often be questioned about your ability, either by your colleagues or by the public. Because females make up 2% of the firefighting population, we stick out like a sore thumb and as such, we are not able to fade in the crowd. Everyone knows your name and this isn't always a good thing. If there isn't a rumour about you already, one will be made up. Any mistake made is magnified ten times over. All the female firefighters I know have very thick skins. I wear mine like a badge of honour. Thank God I have a sense of humour and never really give a rats ass what people think of me on or off the job.

A guy can go with his crew off shift and party and act like a dumbass and no one will blink an eye. Should a female firefighter do the same, her actions may haunt her for the rest of her career. There is that fine line between friendliness and flirtation. And while you want to be friendly and easy-going with the guys you work with, taking things a step further isn't the wisest choice. Things are usually fine until the big breakup then camps get divided. And the guys will remember you for who you dated rather than the great work you do on the job. The saying never sh*t where you eat applies here. As much as I would love to socialize with the guys off the job, if it's at an event where there is tons of booze being consumed, I tend to pass. Once I saw a captain who was so wasted he stripped down to his tighty whities. To this day I have a hard time taking him seriously, let alone am I able to look him straight in the eye. The image of him dancing on a table in skivvieis enough to send me to therapy.

The physical demands of the job are demanding. On everyone. Male or female. Firefighting is tough and not gentle on the body. For the women, add a pregnancy or two, the body doesn't get much of a chance to rest. After some days on the job, I crawl back home bone tired only to continue with my work running a household. This I suspect will not get any easier as I age. I do not look forward to menopause. The day I fear breaking a hip dismounting from the firetruck is the day I hang up my helmet. But as bad menopause might be for the gals, it might be far worse for the guys while we unleash on them as we go through it. Or fight to lower the station thermostat. Dudes, payback is a bitch. lol

Even if I won the lottery, I would still go into work because I love the chaos, the dirt, and the unknown that comes with the territory. And there is no other place apart from my own little family, that I feel as needed, loved and respected in spite of the ups and downs. Female or not, firefighting is my dream job. And while I may never be the greatest, the strongest nor the best, I am darn good at what I do. And that's all that really matters at the end of the day... and to be able to include myself in this band of brothers. xo

manopause?

Like all families, the fire hall gang is not without its own dynamics. Not sure if it was a full moon but during yesterday's shift, one of the guys with the most seniority decided to show his alpha dog stripes and started barking and unleashing his frustration about something seemingly mundane... and totally not worth losing sleep over. Normally I don't have a problem with this.... after all, we all have our bad days. Except that this dude was freaking on moi. Because the fire department is a paramilitary organization, I should technically defer to anyone who has more seniority than me. And in normal circumstances I would.... BUT.... because this guy kept barking at me long after his point was made, I was starting to lose my cool. If it's one thing I've learned in my almost ten years on the job, if you don't stand up for yourself, no one else will. And unless you're yelling at me to hustle because your ass or someone's else's is on fire, when it comes to yelling, I'm just sayin' don't. Nothing gets accomplished and nothing erodes morale more quickly. So, as this dude kept barking, I finally just barked back. This mama bear's roar is bigger than any dog's bite. Maybe not the most mature way for me to handle things but it quieted him down anyway.

Geez..... and everyone was so worried way back when that women on the job were going to be the moody ones.

no references needed

There are some firefighters I work with who are on the brink of retirement. And this, breaks my heart. Because not only will I miss them terribly but a wealth of experience, knowledge and history will go with them. Some of the old timers have been on the job as long as I've been alive and can still wield an axe like there's no tomorrow and understand the fire ground like Einstein understands physics. These are the men who drove stick shift fire trucks, wore the tall rubber boots and long coats into a fire and knew it was time to get the hell out when their family jewels were starting to roast.

Some of the guys are set to fly south and have their retirements all planned out. Others are just taking their time to figure out the next phase of their life. I have, in somewhat seriousness, asked a few if they wanted to be my children's 'manny'. Hey, what's a busy mom to do? Who better to help babysit my kids than people I work with and trust and who can cook and know first aid? Besides, Jacob adores firemen. At least I got a few laughs out of the guys. Being a manny would keep them active and fit chasing after my kids and beats mall walking that's for sure.

the big four O

Well, I turned forty yesterday! And I have to say I had THE BEST birthday ever! I'm not one to really celebrate my birthday... not because I dread getting older but rather it's just that I prefer to lay low and chill. I happened to be on shift for my fortieth and just wanted to spend the day doing what I love most.... working and running calls. But my crewmates would have none of that. They wanted to celebrate so they did in typical firehall style. It began calmly with birthday wishes then the ribbing began... the teasing about me being middle-aged, calling me a 'cougar', making sure I didn't break a hip getting off the truck, and trying to find all my white hairs. And it went on and on...... All.Day.Long. And I couldn't stop laughing. I feel so privileged to be working with such an amazing group of guys. They made me my favourite dinner.... steak with mushrooms and onions, rapini, and baked sweet potato.


And what blew me away is that they made me cupcakes.... complete with sprinkles and candles, dimmed the lights and sang Happy Birthday and 'For She's a Jolly Good Fellow'. Now if you could picture a bunch of tough guys singing off key by candlelight, it's pretty touching. And one of the guys took pictures to boot and sent them to me so I could remember.....


And because the kids wanted to take part in the 'birthday party', my husband emailed a picture our babes with the flowers they picked out for me::


The guys packed up the leftover cupcakes for me to take home and share with the kids. They don't get sugary treats that often so they were in heaven. Maiya was loving it so much she started eating the paper wrapper which I had to pry out of her mouth.


I've said it before and I'll say it again. Life rocks. I'm one lucky lady. xo

sistas

Everyday I am meeting more and more women who are applying to become firefighters. They are intelligent and well-read women who are choosing a blue-collar career. That says something amazing about this job. Although we are not performing brain surgery, we do need to think quickly and react within seconds to a crisis. Managing water flow off the tower as a ladder operator does require skills of a mathematician and a touch that is both delicate and tough. I think women have an innate sense of balancing both sides. When I was hired, there were less than ten women in a department of close to seven hundred. Now we are close to two dozen so it's nice to see the sisterhood growing. :)

I still find the physical and mental aspect of the job challenging every day. Especially as I get older lol... the body doesn't respond the way it used to. And mentally, some of the stuff you see can haunt you for life. I know some guys with post traumatic stress disorder that ended their careers. :( Perhaps because we are women, and letting our feelings show is more accepted makes us more immune. I'm not sure though... these disorders tend to build up over time and what you saw or experienced 10 or 20 years ago may resurface. Some experiences can be pretty grisly. I turn 40 next month and hope to put in at least another 15 years in this career. I will stay on the job as long as I can perform it as effectively as I can today. The stats aren't out yet since women haven't been in the fire business that long yet but I have a sense that our careers might be shorter lived simply due to the nature of our physiology, menopause and all those lovely things. I hope I'm wrong though. I find that I have never been more tired in my life now that I am a mom but these are the challenges that make me tougher I guess. It's been 9 years on the job and although I feel stronger it takes me longer to recover.

I love it when gals get hired. It brings a different vibe to the crew. My crew is amazing and are very accepting of me. We are like family and I love them to bits and we would give each others lives to each other both on and off the job. We all have our strengths and weaknesses and as a group gel nicely and not a day at work goes by without us laughing our heads off. I'm one of the lucky ones. Some of the dinosaurs out there hate working with women and can make life a living hell.

Enjoy the process ladies. The beauty is in the journey and it's one helluva ride :)

always there

There's a firefighter colleague who is going through some pretty difficult things in his personal life. I feel at a loss what to do. I know how to console a hurt toddler with a blankie and some milk, and I can wipe away my pre-schooler's tears over a broken toy and do my best to fix it with some glue. But my fireman friend, I can't patch his hurt with a Dora the Explorer band-aid... not even the strongest duct tape can mend his wounds. I could try to say all the right things but would end up sounding stiff and trite. I could hand him a beer but you can't do that at work. I could give him a hug but that's such a girl thing to do at the firehall and, it would embarrass him. Instead, I say we're going to shoot hoops out back and it gets him smiling a bit because I look like a drunk chicken because I really suck at basketball. Thankfully for the two of us we were saved by the bell.... because the alarm goes off. There is nothing like riding in the truck on the way to a call to make you feel needed, wanted, and that you make a difference in this sometimes all too confusing world. Those moments of focus when you're at an emergency, make you forget about time and space and even forget the turmoil of whatever you're going through. And maybe, just maybe, after the call, whatever crisis is happening in your personal life, it doesn't hurt as much. The beauty of our job is that even though few words are spoken at times of personal difficulty, there is a crew of guys and gals who will circle the wagons and be there ready to do anything they can to help when the time comes because we're family. Hang in there buddy. xo

honeymoon's over

Well, I dropped the kids off at daycare this morning and Maiya's little squishy chubby cheeked face crumpled into tears. She's caught a bit of a cold so she's not feeling all too great so I think that had something to do with it. Everytime I went to leave she'd cling to my leg and she would make that face. And my heart would start breaking. Then....

Enter Jacob.

Thank God for big brothers. Jacob came swaggering in from the room next door and sat down with her and shared his snack so she was fine. It's always heartwarming seeing how he takes care of her. Because it is heartwrenching for me to see my baby cry. But alas, as my husband says, a little bit of challenge and adversity is necessary for children. It's good for children to learn some life and coping skills, even at this early age. Maiya and Jacob are surrounded by love at daycare and it is good for them to know that love also comes from other people outside the family circle. I know my children don't lead the most normal life with their mother working shift going days without seeing them. I miss out on some weekends and holidays. But it is the life we have and like I said, they are surrounded by loving people when I'm not around. And frankly it is the only life they know and I think they are doing just fine. It's me that usually has the tougher time of it.

baby steps

Well. Maiya started daycare this week and on day one I dropped her off with Jacob and off she toddled to play with nary a backward glance. When I went to pick her up I had to drag her out of there kicking and screaming because she did not want to leave. When I was finally able to stuff her into the stroller she realized she was so hungry that she wolfed down a banana and a bottle of milk in two seconds flat. Just as we predicted, she has settled in fine. I think the fact that Jacob is in the next room with the preschoolers helps. He pops in to see her and make sure she's ok... he's protective that way. Although yesterday I did get a phone call because Maiya was inconsolable. Turns out she was overtired from all the activity and stimulation and she was only able to nap a short time whereas at home she naps anywhere from 2 to 3 hours. My husband went to pick the kids up early because I was at work and he said she was crying but when he was getting her ready to go home she didn't want to leave. Go figure. As with anything, there is always a bit of a transition period. It was odd coming home this morning after shift to an empty house. With both children in daycare and my husband at work, I feel a wee bit lost. Which is a feeling I didn't quite expect. I thought I'd be tap dancing and enjoying long hot bubble baths but instead I feel a bit ungrounded. I think partially it is because I just came off shift and I haven't seen the kids in two days. And I just want to give them a hug. But I pick them up early this afternoon anyway so I might as well enjoy the peace and quiet and get a nice dinner ready. After all these years of having a baby growing in me or glued at the hip, it's strange to have my days independent again. Time to take my own baby steps here to rediscover myself.

in wonderland

I didn't realize this morning as I was climbing onto the truck that I was grinning like the Cheshire Cat until one of the guys wondered out loud how I could be smiling on the way to an emergency. To clarify, I'm not smiling because someone or something is in distress. Rather, I'm smiling from ear to ear because I am just plain old happy to be here. I can honestly say that I love the job more today than the day I was hired. The teamwork, the challenges, the sense of family, and the sense of belonging gets better and better with each year that goes by.

A friend of mine just found out he was hired and he too is grinning. He should be proud since there were over two thousand applicants for just over a dozen positions. So welcome aboard... you'll soon see how great this job is and is almost impossible to put into words the joy that comes with it. Congrats!

un-mother of the year

I will never win Mother Of the Year Award. I know my limitations. I don't profess to be one of those shiny polished homeschooling mothers that you see on the cover of magazines where their hair is perfectly coiffed and their lipstick matches their outfits.... and their kids are wearing Gap clothing with nary a stain on them. I make sure my kids' clothes are clean and if they happen to match that day, well, it's a bonus. I let Jacob pick out his own clothing and he dresses himself in the morning. Sometimes his shoes will be on the wrong feet or his underwear will be on backwards but I've never heard him complain about having bunions or a wedgie.

I knew before getting into the mothering business that it was going to be challenging, especially with the physical and mental demands of being a firefighter, but the past few weeks I feel like I've been hit by a Mack truck. I have a toddler and a preschooler and it seems like they are doing everything they can to test my stamina. I'm no wimp but on some days I am near tears with exhaustion. I've thought about hiring a cleaning lady again but the thought of spending all that money when the house will be a mess minutes after she leaves seems a bit wasteful. Plus, as weird as it may sound, I find cleaning therapeutic when I can do it on my own terms without kids underfoot trying to jump in the mop bucket or empty the dishwasher as I'm trying to load it. Maiya thinks scrubbing the toilet out is a riot except she tries to do it with her toothbrush. Her new favourite word is 'noooooo'. Go figure.

They say parenting gets easier. I'm not so sure. I think each stage of childhood has its challenges and rewards.

We've been ordering a lot of take-out lately, and thankfully at least it's healthy food like sushi, and Vietnamese or Thai.... if I didn't have my little family I would probably eat tuna straight out of a can and some baby carrots and wash it down with a glass of wine or three. All our clothes are perma-wrinkled because they sit in the basket for days after they've been washed... I don't bother to fold them anymore. I'm still cloth diapering Maiya since I can't bring myself to use the disposables. Thankfully Maiya is the best potty baby in the world and does her poops in the toilet so washing the diapers is one of the simpler chores.

So today I tapped out and waved my little white flag. I dropped Maiya off at my folks to babysit. And I am sitting on my arse eating a pint of Guinness (yes Guinness!) ice cream and leaving that spilled bowl of Cheerios on the counter. And heck... I might just watch a bit of Oprah and allow myself to do nothing for once in my life. At least until my husband gets back with Jacob from daycare. But we'll be doing take-out.... again. Like I said, I will never be Mother of the Year, but it's so nice to be ok with myself that it's not a title I even want to strive for...

riches

I always tell people that when it comes to my job, I feel like I've won the lottery. The salary and benefits are good. I don't have to worry about buying a wardrobe for work since my clothing from uniforms to boots are provided, and I work 7 days a month (albeit it still comes to 48 hours a week). But the true wealth that comes with being a firefighter is the personal growth I get by being in constant contact with people.... whether it be my crew or the public. I like the unknown, the immediacy and the urgency. I like the heavy machinery and the tools and the trucks, and the power of a roaring housefire. But I also love the delicate nuances of handling a tricky trauma call... palpating, opening an airway, finding a barely-there heartbeat and wiping away a tear of a frightened patient. This job brings out the best in me and makes me feel like I have something to offer from my heart to a total unknown stranger. There are days as a mother that I do things because I have to... even though I don't want to... like discipline, and dishes, and the other not so fun stuff that comes with the responsibility of being a parent. But firefighting, no matter how dirty the call, I approach with enthusiasm. I'm not sure why. But I can say this for sure is that I grew up when I became a firefighter but I wasn't an adult until I had my babies. It was a lot simpler when I was just a firefighter but it's a lot more fun being a firemama. There are days that I struggle through the fatigue but I wouldn't trade where I am right now for anything in the world. Except maybe more sleep. ;)

the guys

Phew! Had a busy shift with most of the calls after midnight..... Friday nights get a bit nutty with the bar scene. One guy took a tumble down a flight of stairs after twelve beers and as we were helping him a bar fight broke out.... fun times.... But I digress.

I wanted to give a shout out to my new crew.......... and how much I love working with them. I totally lucked out. Sometimes crews can do their job but lack cohesiveness and just sit around the firehall doing their own thing until the alarm goes. But these guys are like brothers in the truest sense and the laughter, banter and camraderie make me feel privileged to be part of this group. They range from 26 to 56 years of age and they are all adorable. The guys have the same weird sense of humour as I do and the same approach to work and play and really, our work is our play. There is no better feeling than looking forward to the next shift rather than dragging your arse into the office on a Monday morning. I'd literally skip and dance into work if it were cool... that's how much I look forward to work. It's great to love your job and even greater to love the people you work with. Wish I could post a pic of them. They'd kill me though...... or make me do all the station duties for the rest of the year... in which case I would rather not.

ode to crossfit

I'm at work right now so I'm regurgitating a post I wrote for a Crossfit website on why and how I found this new 'religion'....


Crossfit… where ya been all my life?

I became a professional firefighter right after 9/11 and staying in shape and keeping up with the boys was paramount. Somehow I managed to stay strong by sheer stubbornness although I was highly untrained in the techniques of how to lift weights properly. In my quest to get and stay strong, I joined almost every gym out there and tried different workout routines only to find out that I didn”t have the Lululemons for Pilate’s, the zen for yoga, and because of my shift-work, I was never reliable enough to make it out to team sports. I thought I could keep up with my 70 year old marathon running father but nope… every time I trained, I was bored after the first 10k. I knew I was in trouble when I joined a swanky gym because it had a spa-like locker room with a sauna and hot tub. I was paying a fortune for towel service and a shower? I hated the posers and the mirrors and the idea that it mattered more what you looked like on the outside than how you felt on the inside. Finally, after having had 2 children and thus very little spare time, I needed something else…. the elliptical machine at said gym with the mini TV in front of it wasn’t cutting it. I was sick of working out watching Oprah reruns. And I was starting to panic because I was trying to figure out a way to get back onto the firetrucks in fighting form once my maternity leave was over. Five months postpartum with my second baby, someone recommended CrossFit to me. I was a bit skeptical thinking that it was just another one of those gyms full of guys on ‘roids with shaved chests…. until I walked in and then the light bulb went off in my head like an epiphany… and I was intrigued on how to decipher and understand Fran, and all those names on the white board.

My favourite workouts are the ones that have me in a panic right before the stopwatch starts. I love them because once it’s over I’m sooooooo relieved and happy. I have always loved things that scare me, forcing me to face my fears head on. I’m terrified of snatches and push jerks or any heavy weight over my body or head. But a wise firefighter once told me when I was a rookie to make my weaknesses my strength which motivates me to train harder.

CrossFit has become my haven and my refuge. During that one hour, it’s all about me and my sweat and nothing else. I am grateful to my Crossfit 'tribe' who push me because they know I can be pushed and have made me see that the possibilities in my training are limitless. And let's face it... Crossfitters are just so damn cool

Most importantly, I believe CrossFit has made me a better mother. Despite the intensity of the workouts, I have more energy and feel stronger, happier, and more motivated than I have been in years. My family is eating better which is paramount since my children are in their formational years and it is setting up the groundwork for their eating habits in years to come.

I am turning 40 this year and I am in better shape than I was 20 years ago. What’s that old saying? At 20 you have the body you’re born with, at 40 you have the body you deserve. CrossFit is hard work. But I’m not a gal who is afraid of a little blood, sweat and tears. Ok, maybe I am a little afraid of Daniel.

Bring it on. xo

good lord woman!

During a ridiculously sleepless night that resulted in channel surfing, I came across a show about the Duggars.

All I can say is... holy crap Mama Duggar. That's a lot of bambinos. I have merely two children and I wish I could look that perky, relaxed and calm. And you're only a few years older than I am. My children, although clean, aren't as neatly groomed and yours. And my home is nowhere near as tidy! I couldn't even fathom trying to homeschool. I'm impressed.

My hats off to you Mama Duggar. Oh, and I apologize for swearing earlier in this post. There is nothing really holy about crap. You are a superwoman for running that household and looking so un-tired. There are days in my household when preparing dinner is so overwhelming that I scream 'I give!' and my husband knows to order a pizza. And when Jacob is jumping around like a kangaroo on caffeine that I'd like to send him off to camp for a week or three. And when Maiya has somehow managed to climb up onto the dining table for the umpteenth time and I have to dash across the room before she decides to do a swan dive backwards on her head. And when my husband gives me 'the look' I give him my look back that says 'not tonight... you've got to be kidding me' . And we convince ourselves that we're not exhausted but the bags under our eyes and our dishevelled look gives us away.

Maybe I need to believe in Jesus more.... I'm in if it helps keep me sane.

stay or go?

There were two times during my firefighting career that I was thinking of calling it quits. The first time was when I was still a probationary firefighter and I was feeling completely overwhelmed with all the information and responsibility that came with the job. And I just didn't know if I would ever really fit in. I stuck out like a sore thumb and felt like fish out of water. I had passed my exams and physicals with flying colours but still didn't know if I could 'do it'. It was hard. The physical hard I could manage but the mental hard was in a league of its own. It was tough hanging around the fire hall in anticipation of what might come. I could read protocols and scenarios and go through what if situations all day but tackling a scene pen to paper vs real life wasn't the same. I think I had a case of paralysis by analysis and would overthink what I had to do before I had even done it. I spoke to my husband about quitting and he just looked at me and said he'd back me on whatever decision I made but only after giving it 2 years. If in two years time I was not loving it I could quit and he'd support me. Ha! Of course he knew that it was just a matter of time before I gained some confidence through experience. That once I faced the big house/high rise/vehicle fire/trauma call I would feel better. He was right... And looking back it was just a bad case of the jitters.

The other time was after I had Jacob. It's a different mindset being a firefighter when you have a baby. I felt vulnerable... what if something happened to me at work? Was it responsible of me to put my life at risk trying to save the life of others when the most important life that mattered to me was my son's? While on maternity leave I battled this question inside me for months. Only to realize that if I quit and decided to stay at home, I wouldn't be serving him. Because I wouldn't be serving me. Life is not about playing it small and safe. It is about doing what fulfills me and taking on challenges and pushing myself through the times when I feel uncertain or afraid. Firefighting is a mind bend with me facing some great highs and great lows never knowing what the next second will bring when the alarm goes off.

I could never think of quitting again. I'm just having way too much fun. And even though I am not always home at night to be there for my children, and that shiftwork can be a constant juggling game in the family, they know they are loved and that their mama is happy doing what she loves. And I hope one day when they are older that they are proud of me... that I might inspire them to chase after their dreams and be anything that they want to be.

It will be exciting to see where we will all be in twenty years. xo

hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go

Well, my shiny new bunker gear ain't so shiny any more. :) My first day back at Training was fun... got to put on all my gear and breathing apparatus and go through a confined space maze on all fours or crawling on my belly. One great thing about being smaller than the average fireman is that squeezing through an 18 inch hole fully decked out in gear is much easier when you're 140 lbs vs. 200 lbs. The big guys have to take their airpacks off while still keeping their facepieces on and push the pack in front of them as they go through the pipe and put it back on once they get through it. I must say it is disconcerting being detached from your air supply... dropping it could rip your facepiece right off which would mean bye bye air. Which is why we train in pitch black so we rely on feel as opposed to sight because usually in a fire we can see squat anyway. In the afternoon I went over medical protocol and breathed life back into a rubber dummy.

I still have a bit more to go before I work out all the cobwebs. But it is like riding a bike and it's all coming back to me now that I'm in the groove. Funny how once I get out of my mommy sweatpants and put on my navy blue station wear that I start engaging that work-mode part of my brain. It's not that I don't love my children but during those glorious hours when I lose track of time because I am so focused on work, I feel totally free. It's that happy exhaustion that leaves me breathless and would send me running home during my rookie days bursting at the seams to recount the shift's tales to my husband. It's funny how I see Jacob doing the same thing, running into my arms when I pick him up from daycare... his constant babbling of his adventures of the day which still amazes me how he has grown into his own big little person. And this is one of the reasons why I work. I have my world, and my children have theirs and we all get to meet somewhere in between, melding and sharing everything together. It enriches my life and makes me a happier person. I don't think I would be as happy if I were home full time. And nor would the children. It's hectic and takes supreme organizational skills balancing my mommy world and my fire world but it's working out and the children are none worse for the wear. And the cute thing is that Jacob thinks everyone's mommy is a 'fireman'. Oh how fun it would be if that were true! xo ;)